just do it!

I had a conversation with a friend the other day about her relationship with her husband.  Their marriage life didn’t seem very typical, at least compared to other stories or suggestions I’ve heard or read lately, so I wanted to share some of that conversation:

Me: “Hey, how are things going with you two as a couple?”

Friend: “Really well, actually. We’re better friends than ever, seem to understand each other more each day, and just really enjoy spending time together. I mean, there have been times over these several years together when we haven’t been as close, or we’d really closed ourselves off to each other for some immature reason or another.  But for the most part, those days are long gone, and we’re closer than ever.”

Me: “That’s really cool.  But what about being parents? Isn’t it harder to connect now that you have kids? I’ve heard that for some couples, once the first child comes they start to grow cold or more distant in the marriage relationship, not to mention having more than one child!”

Friend: “Well, that hasn’t been that case for us. It’s true that having children does present a new kind of stress on the marriage that needs to be worked through, like finding alone-time throughout the day.  But it really depends on how we as a couple, and specifically how I as a wife and mom, handle that.  Because it is possible to train our children from even a young age to respect our space as a couple, and to show them that though we love them very much, Mommy and Daddy’s relationship is very important too. It is totally doable to get even young children on set routines, which they actually end up really liking and benefiting from.  So, that way they are usually sleeping by a certain time, and that gives us space at night to relax, talk, watch something, and enjoy intimacy as a couple.”

Me: “I’m sure as a busy mom and with your own work to get done each day as well, the relaxing at night as a couple is great!  But I doubt there’s a whole lot of energy or desire for sexual intimacy on a regular basis, right? And your husband’s a good guy, so I’m sure he gets that too, respecting your need for space after a long day.”

Friend: “Actually, we both make intimacy a priority, so we find the energy somehow! In our relationship, we’ve pretty much always just assumed sexual intimacy is a daily thing and kept it that way, though obviously there are exceptions in sickness, extreme cases of tiredness, etc. But for us intimacy has always just been a part of normal, daily life, even with babies or young children.”

Me: “Wow, you must be a super-wife to have that kind of energy and willingness. Your husband is a lucky guy!”

Friend: “Well, not really.  I mean, he is good to me: he listens to me, gives me wise counsel, helps me with the kids and things around the house, buys me flowers, hugs and kisses me, and really works hard to be a loving husband and father. And I try to be good to him in return: by being respectful, paying attention to things that bother him and things that he likes, taking care of the kids, listening when he needs to talk about something too, and yes, being ‘available’ and pursuing him intimately on a regular basis as well.  But really, it’s not like that’s a sacrifice!  He’s a good, loving man who makes me happy, and intimacy is super fun for both when there’s that kind of relationship!”

Me: “I guess they do say that most marital issues can get resolved in the bedroom…”

Friend: “I wouldn’t totally agree with that.  I mean, it’s true that regular intimacy really helps and protects a marriage.  But I would say the answer is more holistic, taking care of each other in every sense of the word: physically/sexually, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually.  We have open communication as a couple, we pay attention to what the other is doing throughout the day and try to help each other out when possible, we try to be respectful and loving in the way that we speak and act... And yes, we realize that our bodies are not our own but that they belong to the other person. So we don’t deny each other a kiss, a hug, a touch, …anything.  It’s fun and it’s freeing!  And that’s what oneness means to us.”

Me: “Well, I’m going to say it again: many women don’t feel that way, so your hubby is blessed to have his sexual needs met on such a regular basis!”

Friend: “Hey, I’m blessed too!  But let’s turn this around for a second: What if your husband didn’t talk to you all day? Or all week? Or all month? How would you feel about that? You’d feel terrible, obviously! You’d think he didn’t really love you, didn’t care about you, etc. It’s similar with intimacy from his perspective. I genuinely feel bad for those wives who have bought into the lie that sex is something you give him when you ‘feel’ like it or to manipulate or reward your husband (obviously I feel bad for their husbands too!).  But even besides the ‘he physically needs it!’ argument, those wives who refuse are really missing out too. There can be so much stress accumulated daily in normal life stuff, and even though I don’t always ‘feel’ like being intimate or don’t think that I ‘need’ it some days, the physical and emotional release always turns out to be a very positive thing from a personal perspective. The closeness to my husband, the physical and emotional high, those are things that really do help to bring balance and joy to a perhaps otherwise frustrating, hard or boring day.  It’s a nice note to end on, whether the day was great or hard!  So, I mean really, for me at least there is no down-side: Happy satisfied husband, happy satisfied wife (in a different way from him, but true nonetheless), feeling closer to each other, releasing the stress and frustrations of the day, and now definitely ready to sleep.  It’s a total win-win!”

Me: “You make it sound simple and easy to get to that point, even with small children, requiring good communication as a couple and with the complications of life in general…”

Friend: “No, it’s not that it’s easy, but it is most definitely worth all of the effort to make it work.  I’m not trying to sound proud either.  It’s not that I have everything figured out or that I do this or anything else perfectly.  Not at all.  The only reason I even give this much information on such a personal subject is because I’ve heard and read so many stories and opinions that are opposite of mine.  And I know different couples work differently, so I’m not saying my experience needs to be some sort of a rule for couples in general.  But I’m just sharing this so that you know that there are in fact couples like my husband and me who are intimate basically on a daily basis even though we have little kids.  And that is one of the reasons why our relationship is as good as it is, because we really do work hard to take care of each other daily in every sense of the word!  And this blesses us individually, as a couple, and as a family. It’s not something I say in personal pride or judgment of others, it’s just a part of normal life for us that keeps us united.”  

So, there you go!  Quite the conversation, right?  You may be wondering what kind of person I am to share a friend’s personal story to this extent. OK, you caught me!  It wasn’t a conversation with a friend. It was actually a (sort of) conversation with myself.  Yes, this is my story, so I can personally attest to the validity of this testimony, and so can my husband (wink).