January 23, 2013
Today, my baby girl turns two months old! How time flies…
That night, we checked into the hospital and 50 minutes later she was born! I guess she was just super-eager to make her
way into the world! :-)
Wow, my third baby is already two months old, and so much
has happened in these past weeks…
This milestone day also marks something else: the first full
day I have not breast-fed her. “What??”
you may think. “Stopping breastfeeding at two months?? How selfish!”
OK, since my statement can be easily misunderstood, I will
word it another way: in these past 24 hours I have not allowed my baby to make
a frustrated attempt to draw nutrients from my body, which for the past week
has not produced enough to satisfy her for even one of her many daily feedings.
In math terms, my supply diminishing
progressively over the past six weeks + my daughter’s needs progressively
increasing = Not Good.
Yes, I’ve been eating well and drinking plenty of water.
Yes, I’ve tried various suggested methods for how to
increase production.
No, I’m not one of those women who simply cannot produce
enough milk for genetic reasons. My two
older children never even tasted formula until they were each six months old,
and even then I continued breastfeeding for a few more months.
Hence my frustration and disappointment this time around. I’m a big supporter of breastfeeding as a way
of creating that special, unique bond and of strengthening the baby’s immune
system.
So what happened?
Well, when Baby was ten days old her jaundice levels were
high so she needed to go back to the hospital, spending twenty-four hours under
the blue lights and another twelve in observation to make sure her levels
didn’t rise again. She improved quickly
and I was able to go feed her every few hours during her stay there, but each
time she was so tired that she wouldn’t nurse well. I didn’t want to express milk during the day since
I kept hoping that at the next feeding she would eat much more. My goal was to not get her used to a bottle,
since that might cause her to not want to nurse later.
However, by the time my little one was home again and her
hunger was back to normal, I couldn’t keep up with her needs though I was feeding
her on-demand (or trying to, more like).
She had checkups the next three weeks, but each time she fell short of
where she needed to be weight-wise. Being
winter and with all the colds going around, her underweight state was
especially concerning. So, the
pediatrician said I needed to start supplementing with formula. To say I was disappointed would be a huge
understatement.
Well, one month ago, she gulped down that first bottle so
quickly and desperately that I started crying.
I was shocked that my baby girl had really been that hungry, poor thing! For a few days it was just one bottle a day,
but little by little over this past month that amount has steadily increased as
my milk supply has decreased. And over this past week, it was just wishful
thinking that she was still getting something from me. So, as of today, we are
done with that beautiful but too-short stage.
A few lessons learned over these two months:
·
It was eye-opening to see adults
and kids with chronic illnesses when we took Baby to the emergency room,
families that frequently have to check in, sometimes needing to stay at the
hospital for weeks at a time. It’s easy for me to take for granted the good
health we usually have. Sometimes I even
complain about my kids’ energy level, and yet there are kids all over that
couldn’t muster the strength to run if they wanted to….
·
I’ve realized how easy it is to
judge others, even when I don’t know the details behind other moms’ decisions,
such as about feeding, disciplining, schooling, etc. And of course this also applies to
non-mom-related, general life situations. I think I “know” the why, but really without
taking the time to listen and understand their situation, there’s a good chance
I’m totally off. Most are probably just
trying to do the best they can with the information, resources, energy, health,
etc., they have. Shame on me for being
so quick to pass judgment when I don’t even know the half of what they are
going through and what circumstances led to (or even forced) their decisions.
·
It was embarrassing to tell people
when I started supplementing with formula, because I was so proud of how well
I’d been able to feed my other two children. As if the credit for that was somehow
mine! God has designed a mother’s body
in such an amazing way, and there I was subconsciously patting myself on the
back for something that is an undeserved gift. So, logically, since breastfeeding was
something I had so prided myself in, when it didn’t work out this time I felt
like a failure. But now, looking at it
through the lens of a gift, God gives it sometimes and other times He doesn’t,
for reasons He alone understands completely.
And I have peace in that knowledge.
·
For a while, I kept wanting to
fight the fact that breastfeeding wasn’t working this time, but what I really
needed to do was just be grateful for the weeks it did work and also be very
thankful that Baby took to formula so well right off the bat. I know that
switch is hard for many babies, so it is a huge blessing that my little one has
adapted so well to the change.
·
And finally, it has actually been
so fun to let others (like my husband and my parents) get involved in feeding
Baby! They are getting to participate
regularly in something that only I experienced with my older two children at
this age. Being able to share that has
been a gift for everyone. :-)
I feel the freedom to share this here today because the initial
embarrassment I felt about not being able to breastfeed enough is gone now. Not just because “it’s normal for things like
this to happen to some women”, though it is definitely reassuring to know I’m
not the only one and that my daughter is still getting the nutrition she needs
through formula.
But more importantly I felt the freedom to share this
because, whether or not there was something I could’ve done differently that
would have allowed me to continue breastfeeding Baby today, I am not a perfect
mom. Some days, with decisions I make or
things I say, I’m not even a very good mom.
But I do have a good and perfect Father.
And my identity (thankfully) doesn’t lie in my accomplishments as a
mother; my identity first and foremost comes from being a daughter of God. And I hope my baby girl (as well as her older
siblings) grows up to say, “Wow, God is so amazing! And I know Mommy really loves Him because He
loves her even more!”
There’s probably lot more I had wanted to say, but there is
a smiling two-month old distracting me, wanting to talk with Mommy and most
likely wanting to let me know she’s ready for a bottle, so I’d better get
going. :-)
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