just do it! - part 2

In my last post, I shared about daily intimacy and at one point said that though it hasn’t been easy to get to this point, it’s definitely been worth all of the effort.  My hope was to show something different from what seems to be the norm and perhaps help some women to look at their sexual relationship with their husbands in a different light and be willing to grow in that area.  At the same time, the post may have discouraged some women who perhaps feel that daily (or very regular) intimacy is an impossibility for them, because they are simply not wired like their husbands to need or desire or be able to respond physically so frequently.

So, today I felt the need to elaborate a little more on the “it hasn’t been easy” part for me personally.  My hope and prayer is that this will encourage those wives who really do want to serve their husbands in this significant area of married life, but who are currently struggling and frustrated with this.  Some of you may be light-years ahead of me on this one, and I’m thrilled for you! But for those who aren’t and who need encouragement and a positive challenge, here’s a deeper look at my story:

As I already shared, my husband and I have pretty much been intimate on a daily basis throughout most of our marriage.  However, during the first couple of years I really struggled to be in the right mental state, having high personal expectations for how I would respond physically and being very frustrated when I couldn’t.  I would stress out leading up to actual intimacy, hoping I could perform as I wanted to, but worried I might not be able to.  Sometimes this inner struggle resulted from being frustrated with my husband for something unrelated to sex: not feeling understood by him in something that was important to me, or him not being helpful around the house or with the kids in the ways that I had ‘hoped’ he would.  These types of scenarios usually had to do with unmet expectations stemming from basic male-female differences in perspective.

So, for a significant portion of the beginning of our marriage, whether because of frustration specifically with my husband or in other cases the stress and distractions of normal life, it was just really hard for me to get to a good point mentally, physically and emotionally, in intimacy on a regular basis.  On some days it would be really great, but on other days it would be so exhausting to even try to make it happen, and so frustrating and disappointing if I couldn’t reach my own expectations.  So what happened is that on many occasions it was just easier for me to disconnect from the act mentally, being physically present but not really responding to my husband.  My way of justifying it those days was that at least he would have fun, because I really wanted to be a good wife and see him happy, but that way I wouldn’t be disappointed or get emotionally exhausted. 

This season was very frustrating for both of us.  On the one hand, I felt like a great wife because I was so sacrificial and ‘allowed’ him to be intimate with me basically every day (“I mean, how many women do that?”, I’d think as I’d congratulate myself). But on the other hand, too many days I either felt like such a fraud when I wasn’t ‘there’ mentally and emotionally, or I felt like such a failure when I’d really put all of my effort into making it, and then just couldn’t.  Sometimes the frustration because of other factors would lead to bitterness if unresolved, and if that then affected my sexual performance, many times the result was a lot of tears and exhaustion in a way that I wouldn’t have thought possible. 

Again, during this season we did have some really great times of intimacy too.  But usually I would start with this fear of ‘what if it doesn’t work tonight?’ and way too often that fear became reality (obviously affected by over-analyzing the situation as well) and I couldn’t reach my own expectations.

Then one night, after a couple of nights of not being intimate, my husband said he wasn’t interested in doing anything.  I asked him how that could be: it had already been a couple of days without, so he had to want it!  But he said he was tired of me being available, but not actually participating, not really putting the effort into it on a regular basis.  He said he felt like he wasn’t a good husband if he couldn’t satisfy his wife, and it didn’t really satisfy him if he didn’t see me happy and satisfied too.  So he didn’t want to play that game: he didn’t want me to just be there to give him something if it wasn’t really a desire that came from me too. 

I ended up realizing that it is very similar to when I want to talk to him about how I feel about something: I don’t just want him to be there, listening, perhaps nodding.  I want my husband to respond, to put in his two cents, to interact with me on the topic, on the emotion, to understand and really care!  Because that’s what communication means to me, and I really need it, and I need him to need it with me too!  I don’t want him to pretend… I deeply long for my husband to genuinely want to grow to understand me better and share his own feelings verbally so I can understand him better too.  

So I realized, in a way that was totally revolutionary for me, that it’s not enough for me to just be available or give him my body every night.  It’s not enough to only actively participate once or twice a week, and the rest of the time just be present but not really ‘be’ there in any other sense.  Yes, my husband really desires intimacy most nights, but his deeper need is for me to desire it too.  And I did desire it sometimes, but up until that point, my desire was much less frequent that his.

What could I do??  I mean, I didn’t want to be a hypocrite: I didn’t want to pretend to feel what wasn’t there. But how could I make myself be what I’m not? How could I create in myself a desire and a ‘need’ that I really didn’t have?  And how could I put aside the frustrations and sometimes hurt or anger I felt toward him because of some unmet expectations outside of the bedroom?  How could I just ignore those other things in order to get my mind and heart in the right place for intimacy? Again, I didn’t want to be a hypocrite and pretend that those frustrations weren’t there, but at the same time I knew that many times it just wasn’t the right moment to talk through them either. It seemed an impossible place: on the one hand I couldn’t give myself totally to him if I felt there was something unresolved between us, but I also knew that often it wasn’t good timing to talk through that “something else” and I probably wasn’t ready to do it with the most respectful tone or attitude….   

Well, what could the solution be?? I knew I couldn’t just change myself, to make myself able to let go of those ‘offenses’ or stresses or distractions, and really be able to respond physically on a regular basis!  Some external changes I can perhaps make on my own, but those deep feelings, longings, desires, needs, etc…., those seem to be much more engrained in my personality and gender.   

So, I did the only thing that I could: I started praying really hard about the whole situation, not just before intimacy but really all throughout the day, for many days.  I would pray for my husband and his needs, for myself and what I felt were my desires, because I really wanted to be what he needed. I prayed that God would forgive me for holding other things against my husband and for my disrespectful attitude so many times in the ways I had brought those issues up with him.  I prayed that God would make me so aware of His undeserved forgiveness in my life that His forgiveness, mercy, love, and joy would overflow from me onto my husband.  Because I recognized that I didn’t deserve, not even by a long shot, everything that God had blessed me with.  I deserved condemnation for my sins against Him, and yet He has forgiven me, loved me, given me His peace.  I deserve to have my sins and failures rubbed in and highlighted constantly, and yet God in His mercy and love forgives, overlooks and sees me through the work of Jesus. I knew that I desperately needed to see that from His point of view, that the things that I get offended about are so minor in the big picture (and honestly many times my frustrations are just a matter of different perspectives and not really about ‘right vs. wrong’).  I didn’t want to continue keeping records of wrongs, being bitter and critical, but I couldn’t change those things about myself.

Bottom line: I prayed for deep change. In the specific area of intimacy I prayed for the ability to let go of other things (frustrations, stress or distractions), to be in the mood, to respond, and even to desire and need it too!  But mostly what I ended up praying for was to be filled more with God’s Spirit, because I couldn’t see myself being capable of any of this.  But if God is all-powerful, if He can heal the sick, if He can raise the dead, if He can create everything out of nothing at all, then He can most definitely help me to be less critical and give me a deep desire and ‘need’ to be intimate with my husband more often! 

I’m not going to lie and say, “So then, I heard a voice from heaven saying, ‘May it be so!’ and since that day everything has been peachy!” No, it was a real rollercoaster for several months.  There was a lot of frustration and there were some very black nights.  There were times when I just couldn’t get my body to respond the way I wanted and I had no idea what I was doing wrong.  There were days when I couldn’t seem to let go of my frustration and bitterness over really minor issues. There were nights when the mental exhaustion was overwhelming, when nothing would click in intimacy, when I really wanted to give up, stuff my emotions and physical responses in a bottle, and never try to put that much effort into it again.  There were days when I prayed a ton and felt like nothing came of it, because that day and night were just as disappointing as previous ones had been and I couldn’t see any changes in my heart and mind. 

BUT, through it all God was faithful.  He encouraged me through His Spirit and His Word. He blessed me with a faithful husband who patiently waited, encouraged, held me, and cried with me when I needed it.  My husband didn’t give up on me but instead would thank me for keeping on trying in intimacy, while also noticing and encouraging my efforts to communicate my frustrations in more respectful ways (i.e., checking my tone, attitude and timing).  I know he also was praying hard about everything. And God eventually brought us through as a couple.  It was a good and necessary (though painful!) season of growing and learning together, and we’ve become so much stronger and united and understanding of each other because of it.

Though we still have lots of growing to do and are in no way a perfect couple, we are now at a whole new level in so many ways.  And I take absolutely no credit or glory for where we are at now.  This isn’t a ‘way to go, me!’ type of message.  In terms of our sexual relationship, God in His grace and mercy changed me from the inside out, to the point where I really do, truly desire intimacy almost as frequently as my husband does now.  And the days when I don’t really desire it, if I see the ‘want’ in his eyes, I can now dig around and find the desire too.  Frustration in this area has almost entirely disappeared, and in the rare occasions when I do disappoint myself, this no longer leads to tears or lasting frustration, it doesn’t negatively affect our relationship as a couple…  That is so totally different from where we were a few years ago!  I can honestly say now, by God’s grace, our relationship continues to deepen and become more beautiful.  I thought our sexual intimacy was great at the beginning (on those good days), but it’s not even comparable to what we have now on a regular basis!

I am still growing in communicating things to my husband in more respectful ways, while striving to first turn them over to God and allow Him to change my perspective on the issue if I am in the wrong or misunderstanding the situation.  And this has allowed my husband to really open up to me as he has seen these changes too.  We both continue to grow in our ways of seeing each other’s needs and being attentive to each other’s preferences.  Neither one of us is who we were in the beginning of our marriage, because God keeps changing us. And again, this is not at all said in pride… because it’s honestly not something I could achieve in my own strength.  I am just so humbled by the goodness of God, seeing first-hand how He has changed and continues changing me in this way for the blessing of our marriage!

This has been a good personal exercise today in recalling His faithfulness in answering those prayers, because in a sense I’ve been feeling ‘frustrations’ about other things (unrelated to this subject) in life lately.  Now, looking back on those frustrations in sexual intimacy and realizing how I wasn’t able to change myself but ended up just needing to trust God, confess sinful attitudes, pray faithfully and keep persevering, trying to do things better each day… I now feel empowered to say the same about current struggles too and cling to those same promises again!

I hope this has encouraged you and has pointed you in the direction where true Help comes from in times of trouble, doubt, frustration, disappointment, exhaustion: our hope can and should rest in the all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving God!

just do it!

I had a conversation with a friend the other day about her relationship with her husband.  Their marriage life didn’t seem very typical, at least compared to other stories or suggestions I’ve heard or read lately, so I wanted to share some of that conversation:

Me: “Hey, how are things going with you two as a couple?”

Friend: “Really well, actually. We’re better friends than ever, seem to understand each other more each day, and just really enjoy spending time together. I mean, there have been times over these several years together when we haven’t been as close, or we’d really closed ourselves off to each other for some immature reason or another.  But for the most part, those days are long gone, and we’re closer than ever.”

Me: “That’s really cool.  But what about being parents? Isn’t it harder to connect now that you have kids? I’ve heard that for some couples, once the first child comes they start to grow cold or more distant in the marriage relationship, not to mention having more than one child!”

Friend: “Well, that hasn’t been that case for us. It’s true that having children does present a new kind of stress on the marriage that needs to be worked through, like finding alone-time throughout the day.  But it really depends on how we as a couple, and specifically how I as a wife and mom, handle that.  Because it is possible to train our children from even a young age to respect our space as a couple, and to show them that though we love them very much, Mommy and Daddy’s relationship is very important too. It is totally doable to get even young children on set routines, which they actually end up really liking and benefiting from.  So, that way they are usually sleeping by a certain time, and that gives us space at night to relax, talk, watch something, and enjoy intimacy as a couple.”

Me: “I’m sure as a busy mom and with your own work to get done each day as well, the relaxing at night as a couple is great!  But I doubt there’s a whole lot of energy or desire for sexual intimacy on a regular basis, right? And your husband’s a good guy, so I’m sure he gets that too, respecting your need for space after a long day.”

Friend: “Actually, we both make intimacy a priority, so we find the energy somehow! In our relationship, we’ve pretty much always just assumed sexual intimacy is a daily thing and kept it that way, though obviously there are exceptions in sickness, extreme cases of tiredness, etc. But for us intimacy has always just been a part of normal, daily life, even with babies or young children.”

Me: “Wow, you must be a super-wife to have that kind of energy and willingness. Your husband is a lucky guy!”

Friend: “Well, not really.  I mean, he is good to me: he listens to me, gives me wise counsel, helps me with the kids and things around the house, buys me flowers, hugs and kisses me, and really works hard to be a loving husband and father. And I try to be good to him in return: by being respectful, paying attention to things that bother him and things that he likes, taking care of the kids, listening when he needs to talk about something too, and yes, being ‘available’ and pursuing him intimately on a regular basis as well.  But really, it’s not like that’s a sacrifice!  He’s a good, loving man who makes me happy, and intimacy is super fun for both when there’s that kind of relationship!”

Me: “I guess they do say that most marital issues can get resolved in the bedroom…”

Friend: “I wouldn’t totally agree with that.  I mean, it’s true that regular intimacy really helps and protects a marriage.  But I would say the answer is more holistic, taking care of each other in every sense of the word: physically/sexually, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually.  We have open communication as a couple, we pay attention to what the other is doing throughout the day and try to help each other out when possible, we try to be respectful and loving in the way that we speak and act... And yes, we realize that our bodies are not our own but that they belong to the other person. So we don’t deny each other a kiss, a hug, a touch, …anything.  It’s fun and it’s freeing!  And that’s what oneness means to us.”

Me: “Well, I’m going to say it again: many women don’t feel that way, so your hubby is blessed to have his sexual needs met on such a regular basis!”

Friend: “Hey, I’m blessed too!  But let’s turn this around for a second: What if your husband didn’t talk to you all day? Or all week? Or all month? How would you feel about that? You’d feel terrible, obviously! You’d think he didn’t really love you, didn’t care about you, etc. It’s similar with intimacy from his perspective. I genuinely feel bad for those wives who have bought into the lie that sex is something you give him when you ‘feel’ like it or to manipulate or reward your husband (obviously I feel bad for their husbands too!).  But even besides the ‘he physically needs it!’ argument, those wives who refuse are really missing out too. There can be so much stress accumulated daily in normal life stuff, and even though I don’t always ‘feel’ like being intimate or don’t think that I ‘need’ it some days, the physical and emotional release always turns out to be a very positive thing from a personal perspective. The closeness to my husband, the physical and emotional high, those are things that really do help to bring balance and joy to a perhaps otherwise frustrating, hard or boring day.  It’s a nice note to end on, whether the day was great or hard!  So, I mean really, for me at least there is no down-side: Happy satisfied husband, happy satisfied wife (in a different way from him, but true nonetheless), feeling closer to each other, releasing the stress and frustrations of the day, and now definitely ready to sleep.  It’s a total win-win!”

Me: “You make it sound simple and easy to get to that point, even with small children, requiring good communication as a couple and with the complications of life in general…”

Friend: “No, it’s not that it’s easy, but it is most definitely worth all of the effort to make it work.  I’m not trying to sound proud either.  It’s not that I have everything figured out or that I do this or anything else perfectly.  Not at all.  The only reason I even give this much information on such a personal subject is because I’ve heard and read so many stories and opinions that are opposite of mine.  And I know different couples work differently, so I’m not saying my experience needs to be some sort of a rule for couples in general.  But I’m just sharing this so that you know that there are in fact couples like my husband and me who are intimate basically on a daily basis even though we have little kids.  And that is one of the reasons why our relationship is as good as it is, because we really do work hard to take care of each other daily in every sense of the word!  And this blesses us individually, as a couple, and as a family. It’s not something I say in personal pride or judgment of others, it’s just a part of normal life for us that keeps us united.”  

So, there you go!  Quite the conversation, right?  You may be wondering what kind of person I am to share a friend’s personal story to this extent. OK, you caught me!  It wasn’t a conversation with a friend. It was actually a (sort of) conversation with myself.  Yes, this is my story, so I can personally attest to the validity of this testimony, and so can my husband (wink).

newsflash: i got my first tattoo!

Yep, I did.  Really.  And for those that think they figured out the trick, no, it’s not just a henna tattoo.  Not that there’s anything wrong with those, but this one isn’t nearly as smelly and hurt a bit more (smile). 

“Why did you get a permanent tattoo?” Those more conservative (or just plain curious or those who have known me long enough to have heard me say that I’d most likely never get one) might ask.  Well, I got one because I’m a rebel, obviously!  “Well,” you say, “tattoos are so common these days that they could hardly be considered rebellious anymore!”  Oh, but mine is.  Actually, depending on how you look at it, it’s either pure rebellion or total submission. 

Even though I’ve liked others’ tattoos (especially my hubby’s, but that kind of goes without saying…), I’ve said on multiple occasions that it’s not really “me” to get something like a butterfly for example, and though I love my kids it wouldn’t be my style to tattoo their names or a cross or even an encouraging Bible verse, because I have those things on my mind frequently anyway and I’m not going to forget them, so a permanent reminder on my skin seems unnecessary.

But a few weeks ago I saw a different tattoo on a Facebook page, and immediately called my hubby and told him I really, really wanted this one.  Because this is a reminder that I actually need on a daily basis.    

It represents pure rebellion against cultural trends, popular opinion, and political correctness, but communicates total submission to a very important part of God’s word as it applies to me.  At the same time, it expresses something that doesn’t come naturally to me (at least not on a consistent basis), but I have seen and experienced over the years the blessings, joy and fulfillment that come from putting it into practice. 

My new, first tattoo, on the underside of my left wrist, consists of two words written freehand:

Respect Him

Simple enough, but so profound, so countercultural, and so against my own nature sometimes!  This comes from a passage in the Bible (in Ephesians 5) where it talks about how wives should respect their husbands.  Several years ago my husband and I watched a seminar called “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, and this concept of men (good-willed men, to be specific… we’re not talking about abusers of any sort here) needing unconditional respect was such an eye-opener.  It made a lot of sense from the very beginning, but at the same time over the years it’s been hard sometimes to remember to show unconditional respect in the day-to-day things, as a woman who sees the world through the lens of “unconditional love”. 

And I’m not saying that a tattoo is going to transform me into the perfectly respectful wife, but it is a good, daily reminder when I get caught up in routine stuff and realize I’ve overlooked something that was important to my husband!  And ultimately, respecting my husband is about obeying God and submitting to His word.  Because He’s said that’s the best way for a marriage to work, and I can attest to the truth of those words after almost 8 years married.

Speaking of eight years, I left out part of the story:  When I called my hubby about my idea of getting a tattoo, it was actually about considering this as our early anniversary gift (and that a professional tattoo artist friend of his could do it), and the photo I’d seen was of two tattoos: a woman’s and a man’s. 

Hers said, “Respect Him” and his said, “Love Her”.  Because that passage in the Bible also says that men should love their wives as Christ loves the church, and He gave His life for the church!  Because women need to be loved unconditionally by their husbands.  So really, though lots of people are turned off by the “respect” part, in a sense his responsibility is more somber than mine when you think about it, since he’s called to give up his life for me!

Neither unconditional love nor unconditional respect comes naturally to either of us, especially in the times when we’re feeling hurt or misunderstood, but both parts so important to the health and joy of our marriage.  It takes something supernatural to recognize that, see the other person’s needs, and decide to put any preconceived ideas or personal feelings aside for something that God has said is best.  Just like love, respect is also a choice.  And I choose to respect him, even when I don’t “feel” like it or think he doesn’t deserve it in that moment.   Because he is my husband, he is good-willed, and God says I should.  It’s not easy (but most things in life that are worth it aren’t easy, right?).  And it is really amazing to see how much it encourages him and what it does for our marriage when we do follow this simple yet counter-cultural message.

So now, when he holds my left hand with his right while we walk or sit, our tattoos touch, reminding us in a visible way to be attentive to each others’ deepest needs, to serve and encourage one another.

So there you go!  That’s the latest news from this side… and I’m already thinking about options for a second one!  (wink)   

with respect, on your birthday (& our anniversary!)

Today is a double celebration: It’s my hubby’s birthday and our wedding anniversary!  We’ve been married for seven full, eventful, challenging, beautiful years.  For some of you, that’s nothin’, while for others, that sounds like a long time.

There’s no way I could express completely how much my husband does for me, highlight all of the ways he shows me his love, makes me feel taken care of and special.  Here are just some of the things he does:

·         A couple times a week he gets up with the kids and lets me sleep in later;

·         He makes lunch, usually about twice a week;

·         He helps me clean the house without me even asking, including the bathrooms, dishes, laundry…;

·         He doesn’t contradict me in front of our kids but instead tells them they need to listen and obey their mom (if he thinks I’ve done something wrong with them, he brings that up in private);

·         He listens to me when I need to talk and tries to understand what things are important to me or bothering me;

·         He encourages me in the things I do when I’m feeling discouraged;

·         He gives me good advice when he sees that I’m overwhelmed, stressed or just unsure about a situation;

·         He stays with the kids to let me have time to get out of the house to go for a walk or do something else when I need a break;

·         He shows me physical and verbal affection throughout the day through kisses, hugs, kind words and playful teasing;

·         He has even started taking the first step to resolve difficult differences of opinion or arguments between us by bridging the physical gap by giving me a hug and reassuring me of his love (which goes against his natural desire to withdraw and give me space when we’ve argued, but since he knows that closeness is important to me in those moments, he’s been putting me first in that).

Yes, he definitely is a very wonderful guy!  Some of you may be thinking, “I wish my husband/boyfriend did those things!  I can’t get him to support me or love me like that!”  Well, I can’t “make” my husband do those things either.  It doesn’t work like that.  I have learned over these years that the more I try to push or force him to do the things I want, the worse I make it.  But at the same time, I’ve learned something else:  When I decide to show my husband that I respect him, even when I don’t “feel” like it, he returns that with love.  Some of the ways I try to show respect are:

• I don’t call or go to anyone when my husband and I are having a disagreement or fight. I don’t bring anyone into our marriage issues, don’t vent about him or criticize him behind his back.  We resolve things as a couple, and if we decide that we need help from someone else that needs to be a mutual decision.
• I try not to interrupt or contradict him when we’re with other people.  If I think he should have said/done something else, I try to communicate that in a private and helpful way, if it even needs to be said.
• I have learned how to just “be” with him without needing to talk: watching a movie, concert, or TV show, going for a walk, just sitting on a bench in the park...  I know that just being together, even without conversation, is something that strengthens our friendship and makes him feel energized.
• I try to keep my physical appearance attractive for him: choice of clothes, makeup, exercising, etc (this has been harder to be consistent with especially now with three children, but I’m working on it and he appreciates my efforts to grow in this area).
• I never say or insinuate that he’s not welcome in our bed, that he should sleep on the couch, that he doesn’t deserve or hasn’t earned the “privilege” of being with me intimately.  I don’t punish him with separation or use physical closeness as some sort of prize for good behavior.
• I try to spend more energy thanking him and encouraging him in all of the things he does for me than pointing out the things he hasn’t done yet that I wanted him to do.  And when I do need to tell him what needs to be done, I try to check my tone on that so I don’t sound like I’m trying to be his “mom”.
• I listen to the advice he gives me when I’m struggling with something and thank him for always wanting to help.  And usually I realize that what he advised really was the best thing for me to do in that specific situation.  
• I try to support and encourage him in the dreams he has for the future, whether they are about work, family or hobbies.
• I tell him on a regular basis that I trust him to take care of me and our children, that I know he has our best in mind.  I let him know that I’m always available if he needs to talk through an idea or decision, but that when push comes to shove, I trust him.
• I try to quickly recognize when I have been disrespectful with my tone, attitude, or words and apologize even if I felt “justified” because of how he was treating me.  Even if I didn’t like what he said/did, it’s not helpful if my response is disrespectful.  

Some of you women may think, “But if I do those things, he’ll stomp all over me!  Respect should be earned!”  But what I have learned over these years is that, just like I want to be loved unconditionally outside of my performance, just for who I am, he has this need to be respected.  I have learned how important it is to my husband when I respect him for who he is, rather than what he does or doesn’t do, when I respect him for his good intentions toward me, rather than whether or not he actually does (or remembers) specific things exactly how I want them.  And seeing respect as a “need” of his has changed the way I treat him and has had a very positive effect on our marriage.  By showing him respect, he almost automatically wants to show me love.  (I challenge any women reading this to ask your husband/boyfriend what would happen if you showed him respect in the ways mentioned.)   

At the same time, one of the things I most appreciate about my husband is when he chooses to show me his love even when it’s very hard for him.  There have been many times when I haven’t respected him in the ways I should (and want to), but he decides to fight against his natural tendency to withdraw from my disrespectful attitude or words and instead show me love in the middle of that.  It’s not easy for him in those situations, which makes his loving actions even more admirable.  Which ends up convicting me for how I acted or what I said and makes me want to show him unconditional respect in the ways that I know are meaningful to him too.

My husband and I are different, men and women are different, we have different needs, and that’s a good thing.  It’s complicated: it involves a lot of learning, failing, trying again, overlooking small offenses or annoyances for the good of the marriage… but it’s good and it’s worth it.  It’s worth setting aside my rights or preferences to try to do things the way my husband prefers.  And the very cool thing is that it’s contagious.  When one of us decides to put the other person’s needs or desires first, it’s almost always reciprocal.  We both end up being served, satisfied, taken care of, and feeling appreciated (I think I’ve read that type of thing in a book somewhere… *smile*).

In the end, however, my husband and I are both human and we both make lots of mistakes and fail each other.  There are times when we get hurt, feel misunderstood, unloved, disrespected.  But in those moments especially, God’s love and forgiveness give us what we need.  God gives me the strength to keep respecting when I feel unloved by my husband and God gives my husband strength to keep loving me when he feels disrespected.  Jesus died for our failures so our marriage doesn’t have to die or stay indifferent or lose its warmth and excitement.  And because God is our source of strength, we are able to grow as a couple, learn how to love and respect each other, and truly enjoy each year together more than the one before. 

So, I wish you a very happy birthday and happy 7^th anniversary, my love!  Being married to you is the greatest privilege I have.  I have learned so much from you and love just being with you.  Thank you for being mine, thank you for loving me, and thank you for taking care of me in so many different ways! Thank you for being willing to grow with me through the good, the bad, the hard, and the fun times. You are such an amazing guy and I admire you so much!

With all of my love and respect,

~your #1 fan

lost in the fire

I lost my ring last week.  Not my engagement/wedding ring, mind you.  It’s actually worse than that: I lost the ring that we couldn’t afford when we got engaged or married, the special 5^th anniversary ring my hubby surprised me with when he said he’d been saving money to buy a “guitar”.  

You’re probably thinking, “Oh, that’s tough!  I know others who have lost their rings too. You have a good excuse, though, being so busy with three kids, making it easy to forget where you leave things!”  Yeah, that would sound understandable, except that it wasn’t the busy-ness of motherhood that made me forgetful this time… It was pride and anger. 

How so?  Well, on that fateful day, I was very moody (aka pms-ing).  Usually when I’m at that stage hormonally, I prepare myself by acknowledging that I will probably “feel” like things are bigger deals than they actually are.  I normally decide early on in the day to reject the lies that “I deserve better treatment” or “everyone’s out to make my day terrible”, and decide to not attack verbally or become super-defensive about things.

However, on this particular day last week, I felt those thoughts coming early on in the day, but I didn’t totally reject them.  Some of them I’d even let marinate for a while. At first I didn’t act on them outwardly, but I did let them grow inside my mind and heart.  Every little thing that bothered me all day stayed with me.  I basically wanted to feel mad at certain times during the day and there was a chemical relief in that, so as long as I didn’t hurt anyone with my words or actions, what difference did it make? 

Deep down I knew better, I knew that was playing with fire and that each time I accepted the temptation it would get harder and harder to reject the next one.  But my own pride blinded me and I thought I was immune to anything really significant.     

By evening, my mood swings were pretty insane; I had allowed them to continue to a point never before reached, not even during any of my pregnancies and post-partum experiences.  After being relatively happy and friendly for a couple of hours, I was infuriated by something my hubby did.  Honestly it wasn’t anything major by normal standards and definitely not worth getting upset about, but because by that point everything was personal and magnified to 1000%, I lost it.  Literally, because at some point in the next 30 minutes, I misplaced my ring while washing dishes or changing my clothes or something else that I did and cannot remember, and still have not found it. I didn’t throw it anywhere out of anger, but when I took it off that evening (I don’t sleep with that ring on) I placed it somewhere and now have no idea where that was.

But it didn’t end there.  When confronting my husband about the situation later that night, he responded well and left it there… But that wasn’t enough for me: by that point I needed a fight, I had worked up to that all day.  There was a voice telling me that he didn’t understand me the way I needed to be understood in that moment, and I decided to listen to that voice.  So, I exploded, not physically or with yelling but with words, many words that I felt were my right to express, though deep down I doubted if they were really true.  Despite the warning signs, I voiced them anyway.  And I hurt my husband, badly. 

Though by this point I definitely deserved a taste of my own medicine, my husband didn’t pay back evil with evil. He didn’t attack me but he also didn’t give in to my manipulative emotional demands.  He quietly spoke the truth again and left it at that.  And at that moment the veil was torn and I saw myself clearly for who I had been that day and what I had allowed into my heart and mind.  In rebellion and pride I had accepted a lie and acted on it.  I had taken baby steps throughout the day playing with fire and then believed it couldn’t burn me.  But it did. 

The effects of my thoughts/actions/reactions could have had a devastating effect on our marriage.  Though sometimes I think of myself as strong and above certain things, God in His grace showed me how vulnerable I am and how dangerous it is to let my guard down, entertaining tempting thoughts and lies. 

The most amazing thing to me about that day was God’s grace shown to me through my husband.  He blessed where he could have cursed.  Because of that, last week’s fire burned but did not destroy: it was a refining fire, removing the worthless and purifying the precious, as with gold.

Speaking of gold, right now I’m staring at my bare ring finger that should have a white gold band around it with a beautiful diamond.  But whether or not I ever find my ring again (I really hope so!), this is a good visual reminder of what can be lost if not careful, but mostly how blessed I am through grace.           

choose to love

My man surprised me with a dozen red roses today!  That may not come as a huge shock, given the fact that it is Valentine’s Day after all, and a bouquet of red roses is a traditional gift of choice on such an occasion…  But the reason why it was unexpected is because he is half-way around the world right now!  And I’m really not sure how he coordinated that with the florist here in town: perhaps over the phone? Or maybe in person before he left town? I don’t know the details yet as to how he pulled it off!  

But really, though I am very curious, the “how” isn’t as important as the “why”.  And I know that he arranged for today’s special delivery because he loves me.  Not that he needs to send me roses in order to prove his affection, but he did it because he knows that I know that he loves me and he knows that I really, really like red roses.  So, he made me feel extra-special today!

This is a day when couples around the world celebrate the love they share for each other.  And I don’t think anyone who has ever been in love would deny that the warm, fuzzy, butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling is great, amazing, wonderful!  

It is so easy and natural to be loving to those who are showing us love, those who “deserve” or “earn” our affection, those who love us back. But what happens when things change as a couple? When there are misunderstandings, disagreements, arguments? When silence or indifference divides us?  When the other person is being “unlovable”?  

That is when true love shows its colors.  “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13).  

True love says, “When I said ‘til death due us part’ I meant it.  I am going to stay by your side as a companion, a helper, a lover, and a friend, speaking words of life and encouragement, through every season we encounter together.  And I will make a special effort to keep that promise most completely in those seasons when I do not feel those warm fuzzy feelings, when you seem to not need or want my love, when you aren’t showing me affection, because I know that is actually when you need me by your side the most.”

Love is so much more than a feeling; it is a sacred choice.  It is deciding to not just reward good behavior with affection, but to give affection when it is not even merited.  It is choosing to not selfishly think about what I should get out of the relationship and how I deserve to be treated, but rather to focus on how I can serve and bless him.  And the truly amazing thing is that, when I choose to love in the hard times, the warm, fuzzy feelings actually do come back, and are much deeper and longer-lasting than the superficial emotions that are driven away at the first sign of trouble.  

You may say, “But I can’t love him when he doesn’t deserve it!   I know he’s not a bad guy and he’s not trying to hurt me, but sometimes he just makes me so mad, frustrated, disappointed, hurt… And I can’t pretend like I have something to give when I haven’t received anything.” 

That is very true: you cannot give if you’re empty, no matter how much you may want to.  Thankfully, there’s a way to fill up your tank whenever you are feeling low, by going to the Source of love:

“God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners [not deserving his love at all!], Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). 

A marriage cemented in that never-ending love tank is being built to endure, through God’s grace. 

So, yes, today I received a bouquet of beautiful, sweet-smelling red roses that made my day!  I am so grateful for a sweet hubby who chooses to show me God’s unconditional love.  Happy Valentine’s Day, mi vida!  And now, to fill the remaining 321 days of the year with love too…

from single to engaged!

Eight years ago today, my life took a dramatic turn overnight: I went from being single to being engaged!  Yes, you read that correctly.  No dating, no courting, no “she is in a relationship” status on Facebook (well, I guess I didn’t have an account yet then anyway).  Perhaps some other time I’ll share a more detailed explanation of that crazy week, but for now here’s the very short version of what happened:

My guy and I were best friends, really like siblings in a lot of ways because we really enjoyed just hanging out together, mostly with my family.  The two of us would go for a walk each morning for exercise and we’d talk the whole time, sharing about life, experiences, hopes, dreams… 

It quickly got to the point where we both wanted something more but didn’t know if the other person did, until February 1^st, 2005.  On our morning walk that day, after a few indirect comments, we finally directly expressed interest in each other as more than just friends. Which started a new dilemma of trying to figure out “what” our relationship should be, given that we were both at kind of strange points in life with imminent travels, studies, future plans, etc.,   

I could tell he didn’t want to assume anything or interfere with my current plans of going back to school, so to reassure him, I said something like, “Well, if I come back to town after the summer and you asked me to marry you, I would next year!”  He smiled a huge smile and said, “Well, I’d marry you tomorrow if I could!”

Well, we both agreed that’d be fun, but decided the only way that would work is if we eloped, which would be a bit of a disappointment to family and friends, so getting married so quickly probably wasn’t the best idea (smile).  

And so began our journey together as a couple, through a 16-month engagement and coming up on 7 years of marriage so far! Our relationship has taught me so much about my own selfishness and pride, but especially about the power of God’s love to change us and help us grow from the inside out.  We still have struggles and miscommunications, but more importantly we have learned (and will continue learning with God’s help) to recognize our faults and repent quickly, forgive each other completely, and enjoy daily what we have together. 

Many people say, “Enjoy the honeymoon stage while it lasts, because then reality hits!”  Well, we did, very much.  But what we have now is better; I wouldn’t wish that first stage back again.  What was then in many ways a naïve state of being in love, is now an eyes-wide-open and still deep in-love way of life.  I love, respect and admire my husband more now than ever before and he shows his love for me in ways that are more meaningful today than eight years ago. 

I am blessed to be walking through life side-by-side with my best friend; dozens of transoceanic flights, tons of changes, and three children later, we are closer-knit than ever!  I thank God each day for the wonderful man I have the huge privilege to call my husband!