lost in the fire

I lost my ring last week.  Not my engagement/wedding ring, mind you.  It’s actually worse than that: I lost the ring that we couldn’t afford when we got engaged or married, the special 5^th anniversary ring my hubby surprised me with when he said he’d been saving money to buy a “guitar”.  

You’re probably thinking, “Oh, that’s tough!  I know others who have lost their rings too. You have a good excuse, though, being so busy with three kids, making it easy to forget where you leave things!”  Yeah, that would sound understandable, except that it wasn’t the busy-ness of motherhood that made me forgetful this time… It was pride and anger. 

How so?  Well, on that fateful day, I was very moody (aka pms-ing).  Usually when I’m at that stage hormonally, I prepare myself by acknowledging that I will probably “feel” like things are bigger deals than they actually are.  I normally decide early on in the day to reject the lies that “I deserve better treatment” or “everyone’s out to make my day terrible”, and decide to not attack verbally or become super-defensive about things.

However, on this particular day last week, I felt those thoughts coming early on in the day, but I didn’t totally reject them.  Some of them I’d even let marinate for a while. At first I didn’t act on them outwardly, but I did let them grow inside my mind and heart.  Every little thing that bothered me all day stayed with me.  I basically wanted to feel mad at certain times during the day and there was a chemical relief in that, so as long as I didn’t hurt anyone with my words or actions, what difference did it make? 

Deep down I knew better, I knew that was playing with fire and that each time I accepted the temptation it would get harder and harder to reject the next one.  But my own pride blinded me and I thought I was immune to anything really significant.     

By evening, my mood swings were pretty insane; I had allowed them to continue to a point never before reached, not even during any of my pregnancies and post-partum experiences.  After being relatively happy and friendly for a couple of hours, I was infuriated by something my hubby did.  Honestly it wasn’t anything major by normal standards and definitely not worth getting upset about, but because by that point everything was personal and magnified to 1000%, I lost it.  Literally, because at some point in the next 30 minutes, I misplaced my ring while washing dishes or changing my clothes or something else that I did and cannot remember, and still have not found it. I didn’t throw it anywhere out of anger, but when I took it off that evening (I don’t sleep with that ring on) I placed it somewhere and now have no idea where that was.

But it didn’t end there.  When confronting my husband about the situation later that night, he responded well and left it there… But that wasn’t enough for me: by that point I needed a fight, I had worked up to that all day.  There was a voice telling me that he didn’t understand me the way I needed to be understood in that moment, and I decided to listen to that voice.  So, I exploded, not physically or with yelling but with words, many words that I felt were my right to express, though deep down I doubted if they were really true.  Despite the warning signs, I voiced them anyway.  And I hurt my husband, badly. 

Though by this point I definitely deserved a taste of my own medicine, my husband didn’t pay back evil with evil. He didn’t attack me but he also didn’t give in to my manipulative emotional demands.  He quietly spoke the truth again and left it at that.  And at that moment the veil was torn and I saw myself clearly for who I had been that day and what I had allowed into my heart and mind.  In rebellion and pride I had accepted a lie and acted on it.  I had taken baby steps throughout the day playing with fire and then believed it couldn’t burn me.  But it did. 

The effects of my thoughts/actions/reactions could have had a devastating effect on our marriage.  Though sometimes I think of myself as strong and above certain things, God in His grace showed me how vulnerable I am and how dangerous it is to let my guard down, entertaining tempting thoughts and lies. 

The most amazing thing to me about that day was God’s grace shown to me through my husband.  He blessed where he could have cursed.  Because of that, last week’s fire burned but did not destroy: it was a refining fire, removing the worthless and purifying the precious, as with gold.

Speaking of gold, right now I’m staring at my bare ring finger that should have a white gold band around it with a beautiful diamond.  But whether or not I ever find my ring again (I really hope so!), this is a good visual reminder of what can be lost if not careful, but mostly how blessed I am through grace.