So, today I felt the need to elaborate a little more on the
“it hasn’t been easy” part for me personally.
My hope and prayer is that this will encourage those wives who really do
want to serve their husbands in this significant area of married life, but who are
currently struggling and frustrated with this. Some of you may be light-years ahead of me on
this one, and I’m thrilled for you! But for those who aren’t and who need
encouragement and a positive challenge, here’s a deeper look at my story:
As I already shared, my husband and I have pretty much been
intimate on a daily basis throughout most of our marriage. However, during the first couple of years I
really struggled to be in the right mental state, having high personal
expectations for how I would respond physically and being very frustrated when
I couldn’t. I would stress out leading up
to actual intimacy, hoping I could perform as I wanted to, but worried I might
not be able to. Sometimes this inner
struggle resulted from being frustrated with my husband for something unrelated
to sex: not feeling understood by him in something that was important to me, or
him not being helpful around the house or with the kids in the ways that I had
‘hoped’ he would. These types of
scenarios usually had to do with unmet expectations stemming from basic male-female
differences in perspective.
So, for a significant portion of the beginning of our
marriage, whether because of frustration specifically with my husband or in
other cases the stress and distractions of normal life, it was just really hard
for me to get to a good point mentally, physically and emotionally, in intimacy
on a regular basis. On some days it
would be really great, but on other days it would be so exhausting to even try
to make it happen, and so frustrating and disappointing if I couldn’t reach my
own expectations. So what happened is
that on many occasions it was just easier for me to disconnect from the act
mentally, being physically present but not really responding to my
husband. My way of justifying it those
days was that at least he would have fun, because I really wanted to be a good
wife and see him happy, but that way I wouldn’t be disappointed or get emotionally
exhausted.
This season was very frustrating for both of us. On the one hand, I felt like a great wife
because I was so sacrificial and ‘allowed’ him to be intimate with me basically
every day (“I mean, how many women do that?”, I’d think as I’d congratulate
myself). But on the other hand, too many days I either felt like such a fraud
when I wasn’t ‘there’ mentally and emotionally, or I felt like such a failure when
I’d really put all of my effort into making it, and then just couldn’t. Sometimes the frustration because of other
factors would lead to bitterness if unresolved, and if that then affected my
sexual performance, many times the result was a lot of tears and exhaustion in
a way that I wouldn’t have thought possible.
Again, during this season we did have some really great
times of intimacy too. But usually I
would start with this fear of ‘what if it doesn’t work tonight?’ and way too
often that fear became reality (obviously affected by over-analyzing the
situation as well) and I couldn’t reach my own expectations.
Then one night, after a couple of nights of not being
intimate, my husband said he wasn’t interested in doing anything. I asked him how that could be: it had already
been a couple of days without, so he had to want it! But he said he was tired of me being
available, but not actually participating, not really putting the effort into
it on a regular basis. He said he felt
like he wasn’t a good husband if he couldn’t satisfy his wife, and it didn’t
really satisfy him if he didn’t see me happy and satisfied too. So he didn’t want to play that game: he didn’t
want me to just be there to give him something if it wasn’t really a desire
that came from me too.
I ended up realizing that it is very similar to when I want
to talk to him about how I feel about something: I don’t just want him to be
there, listening, perhaps nodding. I
want my husband to respond, to put in his two cents, to interact with me on the
topic, on the emotion, to understand and really care! Because that’s what communication means to
me, and I really need it, and I need him to need it with me too! I don’t want him to pretend… I deeply long for
my husband to genuinely want to grow to understand me better and share his own
feelings verbally so I can understand him better too.
So I realized, in a way that was totally revolutionary for
me, that it’s not enough for me to just be available or give him my body every
night. It’s not enough to only actively
participate once or twice a week, and the rest of the time just be present but
not really ‘be’ there in any other sense.
Yes, my husband really desires intimacy most nights, but his deeper need
is for me to desire it too. And I did
desire it sometimes, but up until that point, my desire was much less frequent
that his.
What could I do?? I
mean, I didn’t want to be a hypocrite: I didn’t want to pretend to feel what
wasn’t there. But how could I make myself be what I’m not? How could I create
in myself a desire and a ‘need’ that I really didn’t have? And how could I put aside the frustrations
and sometimes hurt or anger I felt toward him because of some unmet
expectations outside of the bedroom? How
could I just ignore those other things in order to get my mind and heart in the
right place for intimacy? Again, I didn’t want to be a hypocrite and pretend
that those frustrations weren’t there, but at the same time I knew that many
times it just wasn’t the right moment to talk through them either. It seemed an
impossible place: on the one hand I couldn’t give myself totally to him if I
felt there was something unresolved between us, but I also knew that often it
wasn’t good timing to talk through that “something else” and I probably wasn’t
ready to do it with the most respectful tone or attitude….
Well, what could the solution be?? I knew I couldn’t just
change myself, to make myself able to let go of those ‘offenses’ or stresses or
distractions, and really be able to respond physically on a regular basis! Some external changes I can perhaps make on my
own, but those deep feelings, longings, desires, needs, etc…., those seem to be
much more engrained in my personality and gender.
So, I did the only thing that I could: I started praying
really hard about the whole situation, not just before intimacy but really all
throughout the day, for many days. I
would pray for my husband and his needs, for myself and what I felt were my
desires, because I really wanted to be what he needed. I prayed that God would
forgive me for holding other things against my husband and for my disrespectful
attitude so many times in the ways I had brought those issues up with him. I prayed that God would make me so aware of
His undeserved forgiveness in my life that His forgiveness, mercy, love, and
joy would overflow from me onto my husband.
Because I recognized that I didn’t deserve, not even by a long shot,
everything that God had blessed me with.
I deserved condemnation for my sins against Him, and yet He has forgiven
me, loved me, given me His peace. I
deserve to have my sins and failures rubbed in and highlighted constantly, and
yet God in His mercy and love forgives, overlooks and sees me through the work
of Jesus. I knew that I desperately needed to see that from His point of view,
that the things that I get offended about are so minor in the big picture (and
honestly many times my frustrations are just a matter of different perspectives
and not really about ‘right vs. wrong’).
I didn’t want to continue keeping records of wrongs, being bitter and
critical, but I couldn’t change those things about myself.
Bottom line: I prayed for deep change. In the specific area
of intimacy I prayed for the ability to let go of other things (frustrations,
stress or distractions), to be in the mood, to respond, and even to desire and
need it too! But mostly what I ended up
praying for was to be filled more with God’s Spirit, because I couldn’t see
myself being capable of any of this. But
if God is all-powerful, if He can heal the sick, if He can raise the dead, if
He can create everything out of nothing at all, then He can most definitely help
me to be less critical and give me a deep desire and ‘need’ to be intimate with
my husband more often!
I’m not going to lie and say, “So then, I heard a voice from
heaven saying, ‘May it be so!’ and since that day everything has been peachy!”
No, it was a real rollercoaster for several months. There was a lot of frustration and there were
some very black nights. There were times
when I just couldn’t get my body to respond the way I wanted and I had no idea
what I was doing wrong. There were days
when I couldn’t seem to let go of my frustration and bitterness over really
minor issues. There were nights when the mental exhaustion was overwhelming,
when nothing would click in intimacy, when I really wanted to give up, stuff my
emotions and physical responses in a bottle, and never try to put that much
effort into it again. There were days
when I prayed a ton and felt like nothing came of it, because that day and
night were just as disappointing as previous ones had been and I couldn’t see
any changes in my heart and mind.
BUT, through it all God was faithful. He encouraged me through His Spirit and His
Word. He blessed me with a faithful husband who patiently waited, encouraged,
held me, and cried with me when I needed it. My husband didn’t give up on me but instead
would thank me for keeping on trying in intimacy, while also noticing and
encouraging my efforts to communicate my frustrations in more respectful ways
(i.e., checking my tone, attitude and timing).
I know he also was praying hard about everything. And God eventually brought
us through as a couple. It was a good
and necessary (though painful!) season of growing and learning together, and
we’ve become so much stronger and united and understanding of each other
because of it.
Though we still have lots of growing to do and are in no way
a perfect couple, we are now at a whole new level in so many ways. And I take absolutely no credit or glory for
where we are at now. This isn’t a ‘way
to go, me!’ type of message. In terms of
our sexual relationship, God in His grace and mercy changed me from the inside
out, to the point where I really do, truly desire intimacy almost as frequently
as my husband does now. And the days
when I don’t really desire it, if I see the ‘want’ in his eyes, I can now dig
around and find the desire too. Frustration
in this area has almost entirely disappeared, and in the rare occasions when I
do disappoint myself, this no longer leads to tears or lasting frustration, it
doesn’t negatively affect our relationship as a couple… That is so totally different from where we
were a few years ago! I can honestly say
now, by God’s grace, our relationship continues to deepen and become more
beautiful. I thought our sexual intimacy
was great at the beginning (on those good days), but it’s not even comparable to
what we have now on a regular basis!
I am still growing in communicating things to my husband in
more respectful ways, while striving to first turn them over to God and allow
Him to change my perspective on the issue if I am in the wrong or
misunderstanding the situation. And this
has allowed my husband to really open up to me as he has seen these changes
too. We both continue to grow in our
ways of seeing each other’s needs and being attentive to each other’s
preferences. Neither one of us is who we
were in the beginning of our marriage, because God keeps changing us. And again,
this is not at all said in pride… because it’s honestly not something I could
achieve in my own strength. I am just so
humbled by the goodness of God, seeing first-hand how He has changed and
continues changing me in this way for the blessing of our marriage!
This has been a good personal exercise today in recalling
His faithfulness in answering those prayers, because in a sense I’ve been
feeling ‘frustrations’ about other things (unrelated to this subject) in life
lately. Now, looking back on those frustrations
in sexual intimacy and realizing how I wasn’t able to change myself but ended
up just needing to trust God, confess sinful attitudes, pray faithfully and
keep persevering, trying to do things better each day… I now feel empowered to say
the same about current struggles too and cling to those same promises again!
I hope this has encouraged you and has pointed you in the
direction where true Help comes from in times of trouble, doubt, frustration,
disappointment, exhaustion: our hope can and should rest in the all-powerful,
all-knowing, all-loving God!
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