Friends, the transition to motherhood can be exciting and wonderful, and yet is also complex. One of the hard things as first-time moms (or with each new baby) is the way this new stage affects our relationships with friends who aren't currently moms of young children. Usually those friends are really excited for us and love being around our babies & older children, but the truth is that our relationship has been been altered to a certain degree, at least temporarily.... We would love to be able to address that well, but since it's such an emotional time as a mom, it can be hard to communicate clearly what we are feeling, what we need and what we'd like.
So, sometimes as moms we say things that aren't quite understood the way we convey them. Other times, we mean exactly what is understood, but it's hard for the other person to believe that if she hasn't experienced it. I came up with twelve examples of these statements, so why not have one representing each proverbial month in the first year after a baby is born? Not that these are limited in any way to that first year nor are they in any particular order nor is there any good reason for having twelve of them, but hey, any opportunity to practice our calendar knowledge is a good one, right? (OK, the homeschool mom thing spilled over a bit, huh? 😉) Anyway, at the risk of over-generalizing based on my own experience, here are several common mom phrases and the most likely explanations, for our friends:
January: "Excuse the mess!" - Well, actually, I cleaned the whole house (the visible areas at least) right before you got here: this included removing encrusted globs of toothpaste from the sink, wiping and disinfecting various unidentifiable substances off of the bathroom floor and surrounding areas, checking if there was toilet paper and a relatively clean hand towel available (that would be a negative on both counts, so I had to locate them), removing stacks of papers and craft supplies that were piled on the dining room table, folding & putting away three laundry baskets worth of clean clothes on the couch (or, alternatively, moving said baskets into my room, because out of sight, out of mind, right?), supervising the putting away of hundreds of toys & books by silly monkey children, vacuuming up approximately a million crumbs and random food-related substances throughout the living room & dining room, washing two heaping sinks-full of dishes (which is less than a day's worth in this household!)... along with another random 10 things that came up at the last moment and needed to get taken care of... And all of this got done in 30 minutes! (If your reaction to this last part was, "Well, you could have started earlier in the day with the tidying up so as not to rush and thus get more done!", I am going to assume that you don't have young children because at least in my house things don't stay clean and organized for more than an hour max, except when the kids are sleeping!) So, when I say, "excuse the mess", what I really mean is "This is as good as it gets and I really hope it doesn't bother you!" And yes, technically I could leave my house "as is" when you come over, but a) that would be embarrassing, b) there wouldn't much space for visiting and the mess would be distracting, and c) having company is my motivation to clean up! 👍💪 Because let's face it: it's hard to be gung ho about cleaning and organizing when I know it will all be for naught within minutes... (Now, in my defense, this isn't always the case: sometimes my house is fairly orderly and relatively clean for longer periods of time. I do like keeping it that way and the kids really enjoy helping with chores. But there are weeks and then there are weeks, especially the first few months with a newborn...)
February: "It's not a bother to have the meeting at my house!" - After seeing how complicated tidying up is with kids, you may be wondering how this statement could possibly be true. Well, it is, honest! First, because, as I said in the previous point, having guests provides the much-needed "atta girl!" to get into a clean-up mode which otherwise seems pointless. Second, because I really want to be a part of that meeting, and it's just hard to get out and about with the kids or else find someone who can watch them so I can go elsewhere. Third, because it's good for the kids and I to have a change in house dynamics and get out of our everyday routine (sometimes they're actually calmer and get along better when we have people over!). And fourth, because I NEED to have a conversation with other adults!! It doesn't matter if it's about business or ministry or just a social gathering, I really don't care! So please don't say, "Let's not bother her... She's too busy with the kids" without asking me first, because chances are, I'd love to be involved! Sometimes I just need to sit down (or stand holding a baby) with other grown-ups and converse with about something other than table manners or superheroes or body secretions... Which leads right into:
March: "Cleaning up _______ [insert name of oozing bodily fluid] doesn't even faze me anymore." Seriously, it doesn't. I've become immune to the grossing out power of drool, breastmilk, boogers, pee, poop, blood, vomit... I can even talk about any the above while eating! So... If I've ever had that kind of conversation with you during a meal, I deeply apologize for the impropriety! I didn't do it to purposefully bother you or to show off my iron-clad stomach, it's just a part of normal life for me and I forget what it was like to have boundaries between bodily secretions and social conversations! 😉
April: "Thanks, but I still don't feel like myself..." - This has been my typical response to a post-birth comment such as, "You look great!" or "You don't look like you just had a baby!" I do really appreciate the compliment and understand where it's coming from, as over the years I have said similar things to friends after their babies were born... And in replying that I don't feel great, I'm not feigning modesty. I really don't feel great: my insides are still not back to normal, I'm dealing with some issues I wasn't expecting (see this previous post for a few of those), it feels weird to not have a baby inside anymore, I'm still struggling to lose the baby weight several months (or years) after giving birth... I know it's not the end of the world, I know I need to be patient with myself, I know growing a baby is a huge thing and stuff isn't going to just snap back into place right away, but it's still frustrating sometimes. And occasionally, when I hear "Oh, you look fine though!", it sounds to me like, "No one expects you actually get back in shape...ever... So don't sweat it!", which is more discouraging than helpful... However, I know that's not the intention! I'm just filtering comments (even nice ones) through my tired Mommy ears, which leads us to:
May: "I'm doing pretty well! Been a little tired lately, though..." - And by "lately" I mean the past 8 years in my case... Yes, my kids do sleep through the night (for the most part, except when they have nightmares or are sick/teething/too hot/too cold/sleep-walking...). But, I don't go to sleep right away when they do, because that's when my hubby and I get to have an actual conversation or watch a grown-up movie or snuggle or eat a special dinner or just check social media in beautiful silence.... And even when we do go to bed, it takes me a while to fall asleep because I'm unintentionally going through my mental to-do list for the next day, and then I wake up a couple times in the night because one of the kids coughs or talks in their sleep or I need to make sure the bedrooms are warm enough or I'm just awake because it's hard to turn off the mommy brain... 🤔 But that's the life stage I'm in right now, and it's fine. I'm used to it! Yes, I was the person who needed 8 or 9 straight hours of sleep, but then I became a mom and I don't need that anymore. Yes, it would be nice. But it's not realistic right now, and that's OK. I know it's hard to fathom sleeping only 6 hours all broken up on a regular basis and still being functional and able to multi-task for weeks, months, years on end... Trust me, I was the one a decade ago saying, "I could NEVER function like that!!" when I saw my friends as new moms. And yet, here I am! And though I am tired on a regular basis, I am not a victim or trying to be a downer by communicating that. This is the way life is right now, and I really am doing pretty well most days overall! (Just ignore the dark circles under my eyes and the inside-out t-shirt!)
June: "Sorry I haven't been in touch well lately... Life's been a bit crazy!" - Yes, it really has been. Not bad crazy, but maybe unable-to-fathom-having-a-calm-and-meaningful-converstion-on-the-phone crazy. Messaging is easier, in theory, because I can do that spread out over whatever time I am able to. However, sometimes it gets complicated because a) I might be too tired to type anything coherent or b) I'd worry that you'd answer back right away with something I should respond to and it would take me a long time to answer, even though you'd get confirmation that I received and read the message almost immediately, so then you'd think I was avoiding answering you or something... Maybe you wouldn't actually think that, but one of the products of perpectual tiredness is extra sensitivity in some areas and the tendency to assume things. 😒😁 And yet:
July: "No, I'm not too busy to talk!" - I probably won't call you, unless I absolutely have to for something, because like I said it seems complicated to carry on a conversation and if we get interrupted I'll feel like I'm wasting your time... However, if YOU call me and I pick up and say I can talk, it means just that: I can talk! It doesn't mean I'm not doing anything; in fact, I might be cooking while doing laundry while spoon-feeding a baby while checking homework while refereeing a sibling fight while mentally adding things to the shopping list. But I can still talk! Because though I was not at all an efficient multi-tasker prior to motherhood, now I am an expert! 💪(Well, maybe not an "expert" yet, but definitely much further along in the world of multi-tasking abilities.) Now, if you call and I say, "I'm not doing anything right now", that probably means that I'm only nursing the baby or trying to catch up on emails, because actually "doing nothing" is a physical impossibility at this point. However, if I answer that I am too busy or simply don't answer the phone when you call, don't assume that I'm brushing you off or ignoring you. The most likely scenario is that I am completely overwhelmed physically, mentally or emotionally and seriously CANNOT answer or formulate coherent sentences. (Well, the not-answering-the-phone scenario might also mean that it's charging in the other room and silenced, because loudly ringing phones tend to disrupt quiet nap time when they happen, so I didn't even hear it ringing...)
August: "I'm jealous you're able to do that." - This could be applied to anything from: going on an exotic adventure, to a spontaneous date with your significant other, to sleeping in, to grocery shopping by yourself, to taking a long, hot shower or bath whenever you feel like it...😩😜 Now, by saying I'm 'jealous' I'm not saying, "Woe is me, the poor victim!" I know I chose this life, this current stage is normal and I am content with it (most of the time!). I'm not wishing away my kids or responsibilities; some days I just long for the ability to be spontaneous or relax in a quiet place devoid of Disney songs... (I never though I'd live to see the day that I'd voice that desire!). But, the time will come when the kids will have grown up and I'll have more freedom and my house will be calmer, and then I'll miss this noise. So I'm trying to enjoy it (as I shared in this Ode to Motherhood). And I hope you enjoy your freedom now, because your time is probably coming one day too... 😁
September: "Girl time!! I really have no preference where we go!" - 100% honesty here! Hey, if I'm able to get some time with you, my friend, away from the kids and the house because my hubby or a babysitter has that covered, I'd be happy to go anywhere! You just pick a spot, and I'll be totally fine with it! Seriously, we could sit & talk in a parking lot and it would still be a grand time! Because the definition of fun and relaxation changes after kids... 😂
October: "It gets easier the more kids you have..." - I know it doesn't seem to make logical sense, especially if you don't have any kids or are a first-time mom, but it's true! The easiest transitions for us were from two to three kids and from three to four kids. Yes, there are new levels of chaos with more children (i.e. never-ending dirty laundry and needing independent chameleon eyes at parks and other public places 😉). But in another sense it's all more manageable: you have some systems down (or you're more OK with not having systems and just going with the flow...) and you see how the things you stressed about with the first baby ended up working out just fine, so you don't freak out as much with the next baby... Look at it this way, year #1 of your first child's life is also year #1 for you as a mom. But by the time your second baby (or 3rd or 4th) comes along, you're in year # 2, 3, 4, etc, of motherhood, and that's a significant amount of experience under your belt (or burp rag, as the case may be!). Not that everything is easy or nothing ever catches you off-guard anymore, but it IS significantly less fear-inducing and stressful, and more fun overall! So there you have it! 👶👶👶👶
November: "Being a mom is the best!" - Despite being tired, having a changed body and living in at least partial chaos, being a mom is amazing! Does that mean that I think those that aren't moms can't have fulfilling lives? No, of course not! But I feel the need to express the joy, the wonder and love, because otherwise I fear that you might see only the insanity, the spit-up stains, the bags under my eyes, the lack of a social life (other than with toddlers of course) and conclude that it's not worth the hassle, that somehow the cons outweigh the pros. So I need to communicate to you that despite what you see, the negatives pale in comparison to this amazing blessing called Motherhood. Really, truly, honestly. At least this tired Mom thinks so! 😴☺️
December: "I wish we could spend more time together!" - I really do... Even if the weeks or months (or years!) go by and we can't seem to work out a way to spend quality time just hanging out as friends like we used to... I wish we could. But I know that if our friendship is deep, we will have those moments regularly again down the road, at some point. And then I'm sure we'll cherish those one-on-one times more than ever, knowing how quickly life stages change. But for now, I'll take a conversation with you in whatever form works out, even if it includes constant drool and noise. Because your friendship means so much! So, thank you for being patient, thank you for wanting to understand, thank you for being my friend over this year of transitions, and beyond. I'll do the same for you someday if you are in this stage of life too! ❤️
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