Today is a double celebration: It’s my hubby’s birthday and
our wedding anniversary! We’ve been
married for seven full, eventful, challenging, beautiful years. For some of you, that’s nothin’, while for others,
that sounds like a long time.
There’s no way I could express completely how much my
husband does for me, highlight all of the ways he shows me his love, makes me
feel taken care of and special. Here are
just some of the things he does:
·
A couple times a week he gets up
with the kids and lets me sleep in later;
·
He makes lunch, usually about
twice a week;
·
He helps me clean the house without
me even asking, including the bathrooms, dishes, laundry…;
·
He doesn’t contradict me in front
of our kids but instead tells them they need to listen and obey their mom (if he
thinks I’ve done something wrong with them, he brings that up in private);
·
He listens to me when I need to
talk and tries to understand what things are important to me or bothering me;
·
He encourages me in the things I
do when I’m feeling discouraged;
·
He gives me good advice when he
sees that I’m overwhelmed, stressed or just unsure about a situation;
·
He stays with the kids to let me
have time to get out of the house to go for a walk or do something else when I
need a break;
·
He shows me physical and verbal
affection throughout the day through kisses, hugs, kind words and playful
teasing;
·
He has even started taking the
first step to resolve difficult differences of opinion or arguments between us by
bridging the physical gap by giving me a hug and reassuring me of his love
(which goes against his natural desire to withdraw and give me space when we’ve
argued, but since he knows that closeness is important to me in those moments,
he’s been putting me first in that).
Yes, he definitely is a very wonderful guy! Some of you may be thinking, “I wish my
husband/boyfriend did those things! I
can’t get him to support me or love me like that!” Well, I can’t “make” my husband do those
things either. It doesn’t work like
that. I have learned over these years
that the more I try to push or force him to do the things I want, the worse I
make it. But at the same time, I’ve
learned something else: When I decide to
show my husband that I respect him, even when I don’t “feel” like it, he
returns that with love. Some of the ways
I try to show respect are:
- I don’t call or go to anyone when my husband and I are having a disagreement or fight. I don’t bring anyone into our marriage issues, don’t vent about him or criticize him behind his back. We resolve things as a couple, and if we decide that we need help from someone else that needs to be a mutual decision.
- I try not to interrupt or contradict him when we’re with other people. If I think he should have said/done something else, I try to communicate that in a private and helpful way, if it even needs to be said.
- I have learned how to just “be” with him without needing to talk: watching a movie, concert, or TV show, going for a walk, just sitting on a bench in the park... I know that just being together, even without conversation, is something that strengthens our friendship and makes him feel energized.
- I try to keep my physical appearance attractive for him: choice of clothes, makeup, exercising, etc (this has been harder to be consistent with especially now with three children, but I’m working on it and he appreciates my efforts to grow in this area).
- I never say or insinuate that he’s not welcome in our bed, that he should sleep on the couch, that he doesn’t deserve or hasn’t earned the “privilege” of being with me intimately. I don’t punish him with separation or use physical closeness as some sort of prize for good behavior.
- I try to spend more energy thanking him and encouraging him in all of the things he does for me than pointing out the things he hasn’t done yet that I wanted him to do. And when I do need to tell him what needs to be done, I try to check my tone on that so I don’t sound like I’m trying to be his “mom”.
- I listen to the advice he gives me when I’m struggling with something and thank him for always wanting to help. And usually I realize that what he advised really was the best thing for me to do in that specific situation.
- I try to support and encourage him in the dreams he has for the future, whether they are about work, family or hobbies.
- I tell him on a regular basis that I trust him to take care of me and our children, that I know he has our best in mind. I let him know that I’m always available if he needs to talk through an idea or decision, but that when push comes to shove, I trust him.
- I try to quickly recognize when I have been disrespectful with my tone, attitude, or words and apologize even if I felt “justified” because of how he was treating me. Even if I didn’t like what he said/did, it’s not helpful if my response is disrespectful.
Some of you women may think, “But if I do those things,
he’ll stomp all over me! Respect should
be earned!” But what I have learned over
these years is that, just like I want to be loved unconditionally outside of my
performance, just for who I am, he has this need to be respected. I have learned how important it is to my
husband when I respect him for who he is, rather than what he does or
doesn’t do, when I respect him for his good intentions toward me, rather than
whether or not he actually does (or remembers) specific things exactly how I
want them. And seeing respect as a
“need” of his has changed the way I treat him and has had a very positive
effect on our marriage. By showing him
respect, he almost automatically wants to show me love. (I challenge any women reading this to ask
your husband/boyfriend what would happen if you showed him respect in the ways
mentioned.)
At the same time, one of the things I most appreciate about
my husband is when he chooses to show me his love even when it’s very hard for
him. There have been many times when I
haven’t respected him in the ways I should (and want to), but he decides to
fight against his natural tendency to withdraw from my disrespectful attitude
or words and instead show me love in the middle of that. It’s not easy for him in those situations,
which makes his loving actions even more admirable. Which ends up convicting me for how I acted or
what I said and makes me want to show him unconditional respect in the ways
that I know are meaningful to him too.
My husband and I are different, men and women are different,
we have different needs, and that’s a good thing. It’s complicated: it involves a lot of
learning, failing, trying again, overlooking small offenses or annoyances for
the good of the marriage… but it’s good and it’s worth it. It’s worth setting aside my rights or preferences
to try to do things the way my husband prefers.
And the very cool thing is that it’s contagious. When one of us decides to put the other
person’s needs or desires first, it’s almost always reciprocal. We both end up being served, satisfied, taken
care of, and feeling appreciated (I think I’ve read that type of thing in a
book somewhere… *smile*).
In the end, however, my husband and I are both human and we
both make lots of mistakes and fail each other.
There are times when we get hurt, feel misunderstood, unloved,
disrespected. But in those moments especially,
God’s love and forgiveness give us what we need. God gives me the strength to keep respecting
when I feel unloved by my husband and God gives my husband strength to keep
loving me when he feels disrespected. Jesus
died for our failures so our marriage doesn’t have to die or stay indifferent
or lose its warmth and excitement. And
because God is our source of strength, we are able to grow as a couple, learn
how to love and respect each other, and truly enjoy each year together more
than the one before.
So, I wish you a very happy birthday and happy 7th
anniversary, my love! Being married to
you is the greatest privilege I have. I
have learned so much from you and love just being with you. Thank you for being mine, thank you for
loving me, and thank you for taking care of me in so many different ways! Thank
you for being willing to grow with me through the good, the bad, the hard, and
the fun times. You are such an amazing guy and I admire you so much!
With all of my love and respect,
~your #1 fan
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