little sensors don’t miss a thing

“Mommy, your face looks like Pharaoh when he was saying ‘get my slaves back!’” said my almost-five-year-old right before bedtime a few weeks ago.  Talk about a punch in the stomach.

In my defense, that was an especially tough day: Baby was teething & fussy and my two oldest kids were in time-outs most of the day for not getting along, being mean to each other, not listening to me, etc, and on top of that there were a million things I was supposed to have done that day that I couldn’t get to because of how all three kids were behaving.  It was beyond frustrating, exhausting, disappointing.  So by the time bedtime rolled around and my son was disobeying yet again, in my defense… I have no defense.  Perhaps it is understandable that by the end of the day I had a pharaoh-like, angry face at yet another act of disobedience, but understandable doesn’t equal excusable. 

I’m the Mom.  And though sometimes it doesn’t feel like it, I can control my facial expressions, tones, words.  It’s extremely hard sometimes, but that doesn’t mean impossible. 

So, instead of making excuses or blame-shifting at that moment, I admitted to my boy, “Buddy, it’s not OK that Mommy looked at you with an angry face like that.  I’m very sorry about that.  Even though you were disobeying, I need to be an example and talk to you the right way and give you consequences without getting so mad like that.  Do you know why Mommy and Daddy give you consequences when you disobey?”

“Because you love me very much.”

“Yes, Buddy, we love you very much, and we want you to be able to have fun and learn, so being able to pay attention, listen and obey is very important and helps you grow well.  But Mommy needs to obey God too, and God says that mommies and daddies need to be patient and not harsh and we need to give consequences in good ways.  Sometimes we need to talk very firmly and seriously so you understand that something is very important but we always need to show you that we love you.  And even when you disobey, we still love you very much and nothing will change that.  So I’m very sorry that I lost my patience and was so angry with you that I made a mean face.  I should not have done that and will try to be a better example.  Do you forgive me?”

“Yes, Mommy,” he said as he gave me a hug.

There are so many things I need to be careful with as a mom:

• My facial expressions, tones and volume when correcting or disciplining my kids,

• Paying attention to them when they try to talk to me, which involves looking away from the computer or phone, making eye-contact and really listening,

• Not telling others about my frustrations with my kids while they are present because that’s talking negatively about them rather than dealing with specific issues with them,

• Not arguing with my husband in front of our children but resolving our differences privately, since public arguments as a couple create confusion of authority, insecurity and a negative environment for the kids,

• Not trying to trick or distract my kids into obeying, but always telling them the truth, being clear about what needs to happen and what the real consequences (good and bad) will be,

• Not focusing the majority of my energy on secondary things (which can include computer stuff, spending time with friends, even cleaning or exercising…) but letting the kids see that they (along with their daddy) are my first priorities for time and energy spent,

• Focusing on quality and quantity time: despite common statements about “quality time is more important than quantity”, the truth is that it’s very hard to make ‘quality time’ with kids without quantity.  I mean, how will I know what could constitute quality for my son, unless I spend enough quantity time with him to know his likes/dislikes, ways of communicating, specific needs, establish a sense of trust because he knows I’m around and available when he needs me…?  On the reverse side, it’s easy to think that since I spend most days with my kids 24/7, that the quantity equals quality, and that’s not true.  It’s easy to be present but not be available, to hear but not really listen, to correct or discipline when necessary but not take the time to play and enjoy.  It has to be both quality and quantity, and kids can tell when one or the other is missing,

• When I’ve made a mistake, it’s important to always set an example of repentance by acknowledging what I’ve done, admitting that it was wrong, asking for forgiveness, and stating that I will work on doing better next time.  Modeling this recognition of fault and desire to change is something that my kids notice, bring up later and want to imitate.  It’s important that they know that Mommy doesn’t think she’s perfect, won’t make excuses for herself and is accountable for her actions & reactions, just like they are.  

My husband and I have been given this amazing privilege of raising three beautiful kids.  And being a stay-at-home mom is one of the most influential jobs, because my kids are sponges and they don’t miss a thing.  They see all, hear all, sense all.  They know when I’m being hypocritical, not practicing what I’m preaching.  It is such an exhausting job because it is constant, all day every day.  But it is also so rewarding and so transforming.  I’m learning as much (or perhaps more!) from my children than they’re learning from me.  And I hope to never hear that my face looks like Pharaoh’s again (smile).