pay attention, kids

Computers, cell phones, i-pads, tablets, etc.: Devices that allow us to communicate instantaneously with people anywhere on the globe while effectively ignoring, or not giving full, genuine attention to, those physically with us.

Notice I said “allow”.  I mean, it's not that technology forces us to be anti-social or impolite, but it is pretty easy to give in and cross that line.  What's crazy is that we'll complain about our children (or kids in general nowadays) not listening, not paying attention, perhaps having ADHD because they're constantly getting distracted, but it's not like we are setting a great example about the value of being present in the moment and giving our full attention to what is going on around us and giving a focused response to those with whom we are physically interacting.  Hypocritical.  Or maybe it's just me that sometimes sets a bad example of this for my kids.

I wrote about getting disconnected almost a year ago and then stayed offline for a month, which was great.  But that's over now and I have a good excuse for why I regularly fall into this apparently hypocritical position now: I can read or look at things online and still listen to what the kids are doing and saying to me. Well, at least most of the time... Unless I become really engrossed in what I'm reading.  But, really, even when I am doing a good job multitasking with technological stuff and kids, how will my children know that?  How can I explain to them that though Mommy will sometimes answer them while still looking at my computer, when I ask them to answer me about something they need to stop what they're doing (talking, watching a movie, playing) and give me their full attention, making eye contact so I know they are listening and understanding?  That's a significant double-standard.

One way to fix it would be to say that they don't need to stop what they are doing to look at me and respond.  I mean, I don't always, so why should they?  But, I guess that might lead to raising rude kids who don't show common courtesy to their peers in social interactions, let alone respect for authority figures.  And it probably wouldn't help their attention spans to increase either, and especially wouldn’t encourage them to pay attention to things that might not seem all that exciting but really are necessary.

Another option would be to simply be good about putting the technological device down whenever my kids talk to me or need me to interact/intervene.  But that’s what I’ve been trying to do over the past several months, and have been inconsistent about that.  Sometimes it works OK.  But some of the time I’m so into what I’m doing online that it takes me a while to really snap out of it.  Other times, I get frustrated with them for having interrupted me.  And other times, even though I did put the computer down right away and am not upset at them, I’m still thinking about what I read / saw online for a while afterwards instead of really paying attention to what my kids are showing me. 

So..., needless to say I don’t think either of those options are very good ones, at least in my case.  But, since I really don't want to continue with this hypocritical system I have going on currently, the only real solution I see is to limit my social networking and virtual correspondence to times when the kids are completely occupied in something that wouldn't require my intervention/attention/refereeing, the most realistic of which is sleeping.  I realize there may be times when I really do need to respond to something urgently online, but in those infrequent cases, I suppose I could just tell the kids that I will be on the computer answering something very important for 15 minutes (or however long) so that they and I can see that I am putting a time frame on it and that this is the exception and not the rule.

Something I am not advocating or saying here is that I should be spending every moment that they are awake actively involved in what they are doing.  I believe they need their space and creative time to be with their siblings or just doing something on their own, and also believe that it's important for them to see that I need my space and have other things to do as well.  But there's a difference between being uninvolved but still able to answer, where they can clearly see the task that is taking my attention and the reason behind it (i.e. “I can't come right now because I am cleaning, exercising, cooking, etc., but I’ll do something with you guys in a little bit when I’m finished.”) and only being partially involved, partially paying attention but not fully, and they can't see the "why" behind my busy-ness except that this electronic device routinely gets more concentrated attention than they do.

So, the decision is made: limiting of online social networking to non-child-supervision times, effective immediately!  Perhaps I'll even go so far as to apply it not only to being with my kids but also when spending time with my husband, or other extended family members and friends...  I may be the only one not looking at my phone or computer during those interactions, but hey, someone's got to be the weird one that starts new trends and it might even be fun!  ;)

I'm thinking my stress level will probably decrease, attention span will increase, more stuff will get done around the house, and even if none of those happen at the very least I'll be setting a better example for the kids in the behavior they should be exhibiting too.  And I’m sure I’ll still find moments at other points in the day when I can catch up on many people’s lives in the virtual social networking world (hehehe). 

So, do any other moms (or anyone for that matter!) want to join me in this challenge to stay off the virtual when there are others around us physically who we should be really, fully connecting with at the moment? The more the merrier! :)