hearing problems

As a pre-teen, I had chronic problems in my right ear, which included loss of hearing.  These were misdiagnosed by a doctor as recurring ear infections, and I was repeatedly told to not allow water in my ear, to keep it clean and dry, etc. I did my best to take care of myself for a few years, but the infections kept coming back while my hearing never did. 

Then, fifteen years ago I received the correct diagnosis from a different specialist: there was a tumor in my inner right ear.  It was benign (not cancerous), but aggressive, ‘eating’ whatever stood in its way.  It had eroded away all of the bones in my middle ear, the ones that are supposed to connect the ear drum to the nerve, so that was why I had no hearing.  I needed surgery, fast, and I’d probably need more than one operation.  Hearing might or might not ever be recovered, but the main priority was stopping the tumor from causing any more damage!

As with any surgery, especially those located in the head and that involve general anesthesia, there were obvious risks.  I know there were many people praying for me during that first surgery, and I’m sure that my extended family and friends were worried or concerned about how everything would go.  But I can honestly say that God filled me with an overwhelming peace, both before and after.  I never felt confirmation that everything would be “great”, but just always that He was in control, that He loved me, and that He had a good plan for me.  By God’s grace I was able to rest in His love and peace that day, as well as leading up to each of the other four operations I would need…  Yes, I had a total of five ear surgeries spread out over six years!

So today, fifteen years later, I want to publically acknowledge God’s faithfulness in my life, specifically in this area.  I thank Him that the original tumor was found when it was and that each time that one came back it was found before it could do more damage.  I thank Him for His mercy on me and my family, for leading us to great specialists and surgeons in this type of tumor, for providing what was needed to cover the medical expenses, for great friends and family who prayed faithfully, and most of all for His presence and peace.  God is good, all the time.  Even when it was hard, even when I didn’t know what was going to happen, and even when the answer God gave was not what I wanted to hear.  He is good, all the time! 

My ear is tumor-free now, and has been for over 8 years, praise God!!  I still do have total hearing loss in that ear; at some point I could get some sort of an implant directly to the nerve, which is undamaged, but those are super expensive and I’ve realized that it’s not really a necessity at this point.  You’d be amazed by how life continues just fine with only one functioning ear, because you adapt to the weirdness of it, learn how to filter sounds, and decide how to position yourself in different situations.  You learn how to turn your good ear toward what you need to hear, look people in the eye to hear them better, and read their lips when necessary.  You learn how to connect, because it’s so important to get all of the information possible in order to have functioning communication with others and be aware of what’s going on around you.

Because of this, I feel like after 15 years, this deafness-in-one-ear is really no big deal.  It’s something that was a problem or an annoyance of the past that I really don’t need to think about much anymore.  And that is a huge blessing.

However, honestly, sometimes I have a different kind of hearing loss that affects me more: sometimes I don’t really listen closely to God’s leading, to His voice instructing me.  Oh, I know the things He wants me to do on a normal daily basis, because His word is pretty clear on many things (don’t worry, be joyful, be patient, don’t be afraid, trust Him, be thankful…).  But sometimes I turn a spiritual deaf ear toward Him and do things my own way anyway.  And I know better than that!  I know how it affects other relationships when I don’t really pay attention to listen well and respond, and yet sometimes I find myself doing that with God Himself.  And that obviously affects my relationship with Him, which in turn affects my relationships with others if I am not following His Spirit’s leading and resting in Him as I should be. 

I am human, which means I am not perfect and won’t be on this earth.  But I am challenged to put the same daily effort into ignoring the distractions and truly listening to God (which includes obeying Him!) that I put into really trying to hear other people and communicate with them, despite the distractions of my physical deafness. Some days my communication with God is really good, but other days the distractions or the “to-do” list takes priority or blocks my ‘listening’ ability.

The truth is that there will always be excuses of some sort, but it’s up to me (as well as you!) to decide whether to use that excuse as a crutch or simply see it as an obstacle that has to be overcome and grow through that process.  I have been blessed to grow to overcome most of the struggles of physical partial deafness, and this encourages me (and I hope it does you too!) to continue growing and overcoming spiritual obstacles by listening and obeying, through God’s grace!

“You have declared this day that the Lord is your God and that you will walk in obedience to Him, that you will keep His decrees, commands and laws – that you will listen to Him. And the Lord has declared this day that you are His people, His treasured possession as He promised…” (Deuteronomy 26:17-18)