just do it! - part 2

In my last post, I shared about daily intimacy and at one point said that though it hasn’t been easy to get to this point, it’s definitely been worth all of the effort.  My hope was to show something different from what seems to be the norm and perhaps help some women to look at their sexual relationship with their husbands in a different light and be willing to grow in that area.  At the same time, the post may have discouraged some women who perhaps feel that daily (or very regular) intimacy is an impossibility for them, because they are simply not wired like their husbands to need or desire or be able to respond physically so frequently.

So, today I felt the need to elaborate a little more on the “it hasn’t been easy” part for me personally.  My hope and prayer is that this will encourage those wives who really do want to serve their husbands in this significant area of married life, but who are currently struggling and frustrated with this.  Some of you may be light-years ahead of me on this one, and I’m thrilled for you! But for those who aren’t and who need encouragement and a positive challenge, here’s a deeper look at my story:

As I already shared, my husband and I have pretty much been intimate on a daily basis throughout most of our marriage.  However, during the first couple of years I really struggled to be in the right mental state, having high personal expectations for how I would respond physically and being very frustrated when I couldn’t.  I would stress out leading up to actual intimacy, hoping I could perform as I wanted to, but worried I might not be able to.  Sometimes this inner struggle resulted from being frustrated with my husband for something unrelated to sex: not feeling understood by him in something that was important to me, or him not being helpful around the house or with the kids in the ways that I had ‘hoped’ he would.  These types of scenarios usually had to do with unmet expectations stemming from basic male-female differences in perspective.

So, for a significant portion of the beginning of our marriage, whether because of frustration specifically with my husband or in other cases the stress and distractions of normal life, it was just really hard for me to get to a good point mentally, physically and emotionally, in intimacy on a regular basis.  On some days it would be really great, but on other days it would be so exhausting to even try to make it happen, and so frustrating and disappointing if I couldn’t reach my own expectations.  So what happened is that on many occasions it was just easier for me to disconnect from the act mentally, being physically present but not really responding to my husband.  My way of justifying it those days was that at least he would have fun, because I really wanted to be a good wife and see him happy, but that way I wouldn’t be disappointed or get emotionally exhausted. 

This season was very frustrating for both of us.  On the one hand, I felt like a great wife because I was so sacrificial and ‘allowed’ him to be intimate with me basically every day (“I mean, how many women do that?”, I’d think as I’d congratulate myself). But on the other hand, too many days I either felt like such a fraud when I wasn’t ‘there’ mentally and emotionally, or I felt like such a failure when I’d really put all of my effort into making it, and then just couldn’t.  Sometimes the frustration because of other factors would lead to bitterness if unresolved, and if that then affected my sexual performance, many times the result was a lot of tears and exhaustion in a way that I wouldn’t have thought possible. 

Again, during this season we did have some really great times of intimacy too.  But usually I would start with this fear of ‘what if it doesn’t work tonight?’ and way too often that fear became reality (obviously affected by over-analyzing the situation as well) and I couldn’t reach my own expectations.

Then one night, after a couple of nights of not being intimate, my husband said he wasn’t interested in doing anything.  I asked him how that could be: it had already been a couple of days without, so he had to want it!  But he said he was tired of me being available, but not actually participating, not really putting the effort into it on a regular basis.  He said he felt like he wasn’t a good husband if he couldn’t satisfy his wife, and it didn’t really satisfy him if he didn’t see me happy and satisfied too.  So he didn’t want to play that game: he didn’t want me to just be there to give him something if it wasn’t really a desire that came from me too. 

I ended up realizing that it is very similar to when I want to talk to him about how I feel about something: I don’t just want him to be there, listening, perhaps nodding.  I want my husband to respond, to put in his two cents, to interact with me on the topic, on the emotion, to understand and really care!  Because that’s what communication means to me, and I really need it, and I need him to need it with me too!  I don’t want him to pretend… I deeply long for my husband to genuinely want to grow to understand me better and share his own feelings verbally so I can understand him better too.  

So I realized, in a way that was totally revolutionary for me, that it’s not enough for me to just be available or give him my body every night.  It’s not enough to only actively participate once or twice a week, and the rest of the time just be present but not really ‘be’ there in any other sense.  Yes, my husband really desires intimacy most nights, but his deeper need is for me to desire it too.  And I did desire it sometimes, but up until that point, my desire was much less frequent that his.

What could I do??  I mean, I didn’t want to be a hypocrite: I didn’t want to pretend to feel what wasn’t there. But how could I make myself be what I’m not? How could I create in myself a desire and a ‘need’ that I really didn’t have?  And how could I put aside the frustrations and sometimes hurt or anger I felt toward him because of some unmet expectations outside of the bedroom?  How could I just ignore those other things in order to get my mind and heart in the right place for intimacy? Again, I didn’t want to be a hypocrite and pretend that those frustrations weren’t there, but at the same time I knew that many times it just wasn’t the right moment to talk through them either. It seemed an impossible place: on the one hand I couldn’t give myself totally to him if I felt there was something unresolved between us, but I also knew that often it wasn’t good timing to talk through that “something else” and I probably wasn’t ready to do it with the most respectful tone or attitude….   

Well, what could the solution be?? I knew I couldn’t just change myself, to make myself able to let go of those ‘offenses’ or stresses or distractions, and really be able to respond physically on a regular basis!  Some external changes I can perhaps make on my own, but those deep feelings, longings, desires, needs, etc…., those seem to be much more engrained in my personality and gender.   

So, I did the only thing that I could: I started praying really hard about the whole situation, not just before intimacy but really all throughout the day, for many days.  I would pray for my husband and his needs, for myself and what I felt were my desires, because I really wanted to be what he needed. I prayed that God would forgive me for holding other things against my husband and for my disrespectful attitude so many times in the ways I had brought those issues up with him.  I prayed that God would make me so aware of His undeserved forgiveness in my life that His forgiveness, mercy, love, and joy would overflow from me onto my husband.  Because I recognized that I didn’t deserve, not even by a long shot, everything that God had blessed me with.  I deserved condemnation for my sins against Him, and yet He has forgiven me, loved me, given me His peace.  I deserve to have my sins and failures rubbed in and highlighted constantly, and yet God in His mercy and love forgives, overlooks and sees me through the work of Jesus. I knew that I desperately needed to see that from His point of view, that the things that I get offended about are so minor in the big picture (and honestly many times my frustrations are just a matter of different perspectives and not really about ‘right vs. wrong’).  I didn’t want to continue keeping records of wrongs, being bitter and critical, but I couldn’t change those things about myself.

Bottom line: I prayed for deep change. In the specific area of intimacy I prayed for the ability to let go of other things (frustrations, stress or distractions), to be in the mood, to respond, and even to desire and need it too!  But mostly what I ended up praying for was to be filled more with God’s Spirit, because I couldn’t see myself being capable of any of this.  But if God is all-powerful, if He can heal the sick, if He can raise the dead, if He can create everything out of nothing at all, then He can most definitely help me to be less critical and give me a deep desire and ‘need’ to be intimate with my husband more often! 

I’m not going to lie and say, “So then, I heard a voice from heaven saying, ‘May it be so!’ and since that day everything has been peachy!” No, it was a real rollercoaster for several months.  There was a lot of frustration and there were some very black nights.  There were times when I just couldn’t get my body to respond the way I wanted and I had no idea what I was doing wrong.  There were days when I couldn’t seem to let go of my frustration and bitterness over really minor issues. There were nights when the mental exhaustion was overwhelming, when nothing would click in intimacy, when I really wanted to give up, stuff my emotions and physical responses in a bottle, and never try to put that much effort into it again.  There were days when I prayed a ton and felt like nothing came of it, because that day and night were just as disappointing as previous ones had been and I couldn’t see any changes in my heart and mind. 

BUT, through it all God was faithful.  He encouraged me through His Spirit and His Word. He blessed me with a faithful husband who patiently waited, encouraged, held me, and cried with me when I needed it.  My husband didn’t give up on me but instead would thank me for keeping on trying in intimacy, while also noticing and encouraging my efforts to communicate my frustrations in more respectful ways (i.e., checking my tone, attitude and timing).  I know he also was praying hard about everything. And God eventually brought us through as a couple.  It was a good and necessary (though painful!) season of growing and learning together, and we’ve become so much stronger and united and understanding of each other because of it.

Though we still have lots of growing to do and are in no way a perfect couple, we are now at a whole new level in so many ways.  And I take absolutely no credit or glory for where we are at now.  This isn’t a ‘way to go, me!’ type of message.  In terms of our sexual relationship, God in His grace and mercy changed me from the inside out, to the point where I really do, truly desire intimacy almost as frequently as my husband does now.  And the days when I don’t really desire it, if I see the ‘want’ in his eyes, I can now dig around and find the desire too.  Frustration in this area has almost entirely disappeared, and in the rare occasions when I do disappoint myself, this no longer leads to tears or lasting frustration, it doesn’t negatively affect our relationship as a couple…  That is so totally different from where we were a few years ago!  I can honestly say now, by God’s grace, our relationship continues to deepen and become more beautiful.  I thought our sexual intimacy was great at the beginning (on those good days), but it’s not even comparable to what we have now on a regular basis!

I am still growing in communicating things to my husband in more respectful ways, while striving to first turn them over to God and allow Him to change my perspective on the issue if I am in the wrong or misunderstanding the situation.  And this has allowed my husband to really open up to me as he has seen these changes too.  We both continue to grow in our ways of seeing each other’s needs and being attentive to each other’s preferences.  Neither one of us is who we were in the beginning of our marriage, because God keeps changing us. And again, this is not at all said in pride… because it’s honestly not something I could achieve in my own strength.  I am just so humbled by the goodness of God, seeing first-hand how He has changed and continues changing me in this way for the blessing of our marriage!

This has been a good personal exercise today in recalling His faithfulness in answering those prayers, because in a sense I’ve been feeling ‘frustrations’ about other things (unrelated to this subject) in life lately.  Now, looking back on those frustrations in sexual intimacy and realizing how I wasn’t able to change myself but ended up just needing to trust God, confess sinful attitudes, pray faithfully and keep persevering, trying to do things better each day… I now feel empowered to say the same about current struggles too and cling to those same promises again!

I hope this has encouraged you and has pointed you in the direction where true Help comes from in times of trouble, doubt, frustration, disappointment, exhaustion: our hope can and should rest in the all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving God!

¡sólo háganlo!

Tuve una conversación con una amiga el otro día acerca de su relación con su marido. Su vida matrimonial no parecía muy común, al menos comparándola con otras historias o sugerencias que he oído y leído últimamente, así que quería compartir algo de esa conversación:


Yo: “¿Cómo van las cosas como pareja?”

Amiga: “¡Van muy bien! Somos mejores amigos que nunca, parece que nos entendemos más cada día y realmente disfrutamos mucho de pasar tiempo juntos.  Claro que ha habido etapas en estos años juntos cuando no hemos estado tan cercanos o cuando nos hemos cerrado el uno al otro por alguna razón inmadura u otra. Pero en su mayor parte, esos días ya quedaron atrás, y estamos más cercanos que nunca.”

Yo: “Eso es realmente genial. Pero, ¿cómo lo mantienen siendo padres? ¿No es más difícil conectarse ahora que tienen hijos? He oído que para algunas parejas, cuando nace el primer hijo empiezan a enfriarse las cosas en el matrimonio o se suele estar más distante, ¡por no hablar de tener más de un hijo como ustedes!”

Amiga: “Bueno, ese no ha sido nuestro caso.  Es cierto que el tener hijos presenta un nuevo tipo de tensión en el matrimonio que hay que trabajar, como esforzarse por buscar tiempo a solas durante el día. Pero al fin y al cabo realmente depende de cómo nosotros como pareja, y específicamente yo como esposa y madre, manejamos las cosas.  Realmente es posible entrenar a los hijos desde una temprana edad a respetar nuestro espacio como pareja, y demostrarles que aunque los amamos muchísimo, la relación de Mamá y Papá es muy importante también. Es totalmente factible tener rutinas establecidas para los niños pequeños, las cuales terminan gustándoles y beneficiándoles mucho. Así, ellos están durmiendo a cierta hora cada noche, y nos da el espacio como matrimonio para relajarnos, hablar, ver algo y disfrutar de la intimidad como pareja.”

Yo: “Estoy segura de que para una madre tan ocupada y con tanto trabajo que hacer cada día, ¡el relajarse en la noche como pareja te viene muy bien!  Pero dudo que haya mucha energía o deseo de intimidad sexual de forma frecuente, ¿no?  Tu marido es un buen hombre y asumo que él respeta tu cansancio y necesidad de espacio después de un largo día.”

Amiga: “Bueno en realidad, los dos hacemos que la intimidad sea una prioridad, ¡y por eso encontramos la energía de alguna manera!  En nuestra relación, casi siempre hemos asumido que la intimidad sexual es algo cotidiano y lo mantenemos así.  Obviamente hay excepciones cuando hay enfermedad, agotamiento extremo, etc., pero para nosotros la intimidad siempre ha sido una parte de la normalidad, la vida cotidiana, incluso con bebés o hijos pequeños.”

Yo: “¡Wow! Entonces, eres una súper-mujer por tener ese tipo de energía y disposición. ¡Tu marido tiene suerte!”

Amiga: “Bueno, ni tanto. Quiero decir, él es bueno conmigo: me escucha, me da consejos sabios, me ayuda con los niños y las cosas de la casa, me compra flores, me abraza y me besa, y realmente trabaja duro por ser un buen esposo y padre amoroso. Y yo trato de ser buena con él también: siendo respetuosa, prestando atención a las cosas que le gustan y las que le molestan, cuidando bien de los niños, escuchando cuando me quiere contar algo, y sí, estando ‘disponible’ y persiguiéndole íntimamente a él con frecuencia también. Pero de verdad, ¡no es que eso es un sacrificio!  Él es un hombre bueno y amoroso que me hace feliz, y la intimidad es muy divertida cuando hay ese tipo de relación.”

Yo: “Supongo que como dicen, la mayoría de los problemas matrimoniales se resuelven en el dormitorio…”

Amiga: “No estoy totalmente de acuerdo con eso. Quiero decir, es cierto que la intimidad frecuente realmente ayuda y protege a un matrimonio.  Pero yo diría que la respuesta es más holística, cuidando cada uno del otro en todos los sentidos de la palabra: física-/sexualmente, emocional-, psicológica- y  espiritualmente. Tenemos una comunicación abierta como pareja, procuramos prestar atención a lo que hace la otra persona y tratamos de ayudarnos mutuamente cuando sea posible, tratamos de ser respetuosos y amorosos en las formas en que hablamos y actuamos... Y sí, nos damos cuenta de que nuestro cuerpo no es sólo nuestro, sino que le pertenece a la otra persona también. Así que nunca le niego ni me niega un beso, un abrazo, una caricia,... nada.  ¡Es divertido y trae libertad en la relación! Y eso es lo que significa para nosotros ‘ser uno’.”

Yo: “Bueno, vuelvo a repetirlo: ¡muchas mujeres no se sienten de esa manera, por lo que tu marido está bendecido al tener sus necesidades sexuales cumplidas de forma tan frecuente!”

Amiga: “¡Pues yo estoy bendecida también!  Pero vamos a cambiar la imagen por un momento: ¿Qué pasaría si tu marido no te hablara en todo el día? ¿O en toda la semana? ¿O durante todo el mes? ¿Cómo te sentirías? Te sentirías muy mal, obviamente. Pensarías que no te ama de verdad, que no se preocupa por ti, etc.  Pues es similar con la intimidad sexual desde la perspectiva de él. Yo realmente me siento mal por esas esposas que le han creído a la mentira de que el sexo es algo que le das cuando te apetezca o que usas para manipular o recompensar a tu marido (obviamente me siento mal por sus maridos también).  Pero incluso más allá del argumento de que ‘físicamente él lo necesita’, esas esposas que se niegan a ‘dárselo’ también salen perdiendo.  Muchos días hay tanta tensión acumulada por cosas de la vida normal, y a pesar de que yo no siempre ‘sienta’ las ganas o la necesidad de tener relaciones íntimas con mi marido, la descarga física y emocional siempre termina siendo algo tan positivo del punto de vista personal. La cercanía física con mi marido y la emoción de la intimidad, son cosas que realmente me ayudan a equilibrar y alegrar los días tal vez frustrantes, difíciles o aburridos.  ¡Es que es una forma tan buena de terminar tanto un día feliz como un día difícil!  Por esto, al menos para mí, realmente no hay lado negativo: marido feliz y satisfecho, esposa feliz y satisfecha (de formas quizás diferentes, pero igual cierto), sintiéndonos más cercanos como pareja, liberando el estrés y la frustración del día, y ya definitivamente listos para dormir. ¡No hay perdedores!”

Yo: “Lo haces parecer tan simple y fácil de llegar a ese punto, aún con los niños pequeños, requiriendo buena comunicación como matrimonio, con las complicaciones de la vida en general...”

Amiga: “No, no es que sea fácil, pero definitivamente vale la pena todo el esfuerzo y trabajo por hacerlo funcionar.  No estoy tratando de sonar orgullosa tampoco.  No es que tenga todas las respuestas o que yo haga esto ni cualquier otra cosa a la perfección. Para nada. La única razón por la que estoy dando tanta información sobre un tema tan personal es porque he oído y leído tantas opiniones o experiencias opuestas a la mía. Y sé que las parejas funcionan de maneras diferentes, así que no estoy diciendo que mi experiencia debería ser la regla para las parejas en general.  Pero sólo estoy compartiendo esto para que sepas que realmente existen parejas como mi marido y yo, los cuales tenemos intimidad más o menos a diario, aún teniendo hijos pequeños. Y ésa es una de las razones por las que nuestra relación es tan buena como es, ¡porque realmente trabajamos duro para cuidarnos mutuamente todos los días en todos los sentidos! Y esto nos bendice individualmente, como pareja y como familia. No es algo que te cuento por orgullo personal o por juzgar a los demás, es sólo parte de la vida normal para nosotros que nos mantiene unidos.”


Así que, ¡ahí lo tienen!  Interesante conversación, ¿no?  Puede que te estés preguntando qué clase de persona soy por compartir hasta tal punto la historia personal de una amiga. Ya, ¡me pillaste!  No fue una conversación con una amiga. En realidad fue una ‘conversación’ conmigo misma.  Sí, esto fue un testimonio personal, por lo que puedo dar fe de la validez de esta historia, y también la puede dar mi marido (jejeje).

just do it!

I had a conversation with a friend the other day about her relationship with her husband.  Their marriage life didn’t seem very typical, at least compared to other stories or suggestions I’ve heard or read lately, so I wanted to share some of that conversation:

Me: “Hey, how are things going with you two as a couple?”

Friend: “Really well, actually. We’re better friends than ever, seem to understand each other more each day, and just really enjoy spending time together. I mean, there have been times over these several years together when we haven’t been as close, or we’d really closed ourselves off to each other for some immature reason or another.  But for the most part, those days are long gone, and we’re closer than ever.”

Me: “That’s really cool.  But what about being parents? Isn’t it harder to connect now that you have kids? I’ve heard that for some couples, once the first child comes they start to grow cold or more distant in the marriage relationship, not to mention having more than one child!”

Friend: “Well, that hasn’t been that case for us. It’s true that having children does present a new kind of stress on the marriage that needs to be worked through, like finding alone-time throughout the day.  But it really depends on how we as a couple, and specifically how I as a wife and mom, handle that.  Because it is possible to train our children from even a young age to respect our space as a couple, and to show them that though we love them very much, Mommy and Daddy’s relationship is very important too. It is totally doable to get even young children on set routines, which they actually end up really liking and benefiting from.  So, that way they are usually sleeping by a certain time, and that gives us space at night to relax, talk, watch something, and enjoy intimacy as a couple.”

Me: “I’m sure as a busy mom and with your own work to get done each day as well, the relaxing at night as a couple is great!  But I doubt there’s a whole lot of energy or desire for sexual intimacy on a regular basis, right? And your husband’s a good guy, so I’m sure he gets that too, respecting your need for space after a long day.”

Friend: “Actually, we both make intimacy a priority, so we find the energy somehow! In our relationship, we’ve pretty much always just assumed sexual intimacy is a daily thing and kept it that way, though obviously there are exceptions in sickness, extreme cases of tiredness, etc. But for us intimacy has always just been a part of normal, daily life, even with babies or young children.”

Me: “Wow, you must be a super-wife to have that kind of energy and willingness. Your husband is a lucky guy!”

Friend: “Well, not really.  I mean, he is good to me: he listens to me, gives me wise counsel, helps me with the kids and things around the house, buys me flowers, hugs and kisses me, and really works hard to be a loving husband and father. And I try to be good to him in return: by being respectful, paying attention to things that bother him and things that he likes, taking care of the kids, listening when he needs to talk about something too, and yes, being ‘available’ and pursuing him intimately on a regular basis as well.  But really, it’s not like that’s a sacrifice!  He’s a good, loving man who makes me happy, and intimacy is super fun for both when there’s that kind of relationship!”

Me: “I guess they do say that most marital issues can get resolved in the bedroom…”

Friend: “I wouldn’t totally agree with that.  I mean, it’s true that regular intimacy really helps and protects a marriage.  But I would say the answer is more holistic, taking care of each other in every sense of the word: physically/sexually, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually.  We have open communication as a couple, we pay attention to what the other is doing throughout the day and try to help each other out when possible, we try to be respectful and loving in the way that we speak and act... And yes, we realize that our bodies are not our own but that they belong to the other person. So we don’t deny each other a kiss, a hug, a touch, …anything.  It’s fun and it’s freeing!  And that’s what oneness means to us.”

Me: “Well, I’m going to say it again: many women don’t feel that way, so your hubby is blessed to have his sexual needs met on such a regular basis!”

Friend: “Hey, I’m blessed too!  But let’s turn this around for a second: What if your husband didn’t talk to you all day? Or all week? Or all month? How would you feel about that? You’d feel terrible, obviously! You’d think he didn’t really love you, didn’t care about you, etc. It’s similar with intimacy from his perspective. I genuinely feel bad for those wives who have bought into the lie that sex is something you give him when you ‘feel’ like it or to manipulate or reward your husband (obviously I feel bad for their husbands too!).  But even besides the ‘he physically needs it!’ argument, those wives who refuse are really missing out too. There can be so much stress accumulated daily in normal life stuff, and even though I don’t always ‘feel’ like being intimate or don’t think that I ‘need’ it some days, the physical and emotional release always turns out to be a very positive thing from a personal perspective. The closeness to my husband, the physical and emotional high, those are things that really do help to bring balance and joy to a perhaps otherwise frustrating, hard or boring day.  It’s a nice note to end on, whether the day was great or hard!  So, I mean really, for me at least there is no down-side: Happy satisfied husband, happy satisfied wife (in a different way from him, but true nonetheless), feeling closer to each other, releasing the stress and frustrations of the day, and now definitely ready to sleep.  It’s a total win-win!”

Me: “You make it sound simple and easy to get to that point, even with small children, requiring good communication as a couple and with the complications of life in general…”

Friend: “No, it’s not that it’s easy, but it is most definitely worth all of the effort to make it work.  I’m not trying to sound proud either.  It’s not that I have everything figured out or that I do this or anything else perfectly.  Not at all.  The only reason I even give this much information on such a personal subject is because I’ve heard and read so many stories and opinions that are opposite of mine.  And I know different couples work differently, so I’m not saying my experience needs to be some sort of a rule for couples in general.  But I’m just sharing this so that you know that there are in fact couples like my husband and me who are intimate basically on a daily basis even though we have little kids.  And that is one of the reasons why our relationship is as good as it is, because we really do work hard to take care of each other daily in every sense of the word!  And this blesses us individually, as a couple, and as a family. It’s not something I say in personal pride or judgment of others, it’s just a part of normal life for us that keeps us united.”  

So, there you go!  Quite the conversation, right?  You may be wondering what kind of person I am to share a friend’s personal story to this extent. OK, you caught me!  It wasn’t a conversation with a friend. It was actually a (sort of) conversation with myself.  Yes, this is my story, so I can personally attest to the validity of this testimony, and so can my husband (wink).

presten atención, niños

Computadores/ordenadores, celulares/móviles, i-pads, tablets, etc.: dispositivos electrónicos que nos permiten comunicarnos instantáneamente con gente en cualquier parte del mundo, mientras logramos ignorar o al menos no dar toda nuestra atención genuina a las personas que están físicamente con nosotros.

Observa que dije “nos permiten”.  Es decir, no es que la tecnología nos obligue a ser antisociales o mal educados, pero es muy fácil entregarse y cruzar esa línea.  Lo ridículo es que nos quejamos de  que nuestros hijos (o los niños en general de hoy en día) no hacen caso, no prestan atención, tal vez tengan con TDAH porque están constantemente distraídos, pero no es que estemos mostrándoles un gran ejemplo sobre el valor de estar presentes en el momento, entregando toda nuestra atención a lo que esté sucediendo a nuestro alrededor y respondiendo enfocadamente en aquellos con los que estemos interactuando en nuestro entorno físico.  Hipócritas. O tal vez sea sólo yo la que a veces le da un mal ejemplo de esto a mis hijos.

Hace casi un año, escribí acerca de desconectarme de la tecnología y mi reto fue hacerlo durante un mes completo, lo cual estuvo genial.  Pero eso ya pasó y ahora tengo una buena excusa del por qué con frecuencia estoy en esta posición que parece ser hipócrita: soy capaz de leer y mirar cosas en las redes sociales y aún así escuchar lo que mis niños están haciendo y contándome.  Bueno, al menos la mayor parte del tiempo logro hacer ambas cosas bien... a menos que me meta mucho en lo que estoy leyendo o viendo.  Pero de verdad, incluso cuando logro hacer ambas cosas bien (estar conectada en las redes sociales y prestarle atención a mis hijos), ¿cómo lo sabrán mis hijos? ¿Cómo puedo explicarles que aunque yo a veces les responda mientras reviso cosas en mi computador sin mirarles, cuando llegue el momento y yo les pida a ellos que me respondan sobre algo tienen que dejar de hacer lo que estén haciendo (hablar, ver una película, jugar) y darme toda su atención, mirarme a los ojos para asegurar que estén escuchando y que me entiendan? Eso es un doble estándar enorme.

Una solución sería decir que ellos no tienen que dejar de hacer lo que están haciendo para mirarme y responder. Es decir, yo no lo hago siempre así que, ¿por qué tienen que hacerlo ellos?  Pero supongo que eso podría conllevar a una crianza de niños maleducados que no muestran cortesía a sus compañeros en interacciones sociales, y mucho menos respeto por las figuras de autoridad. Y probablemente tampoco ayudaría a aumentar su período de atención, especialmente en cosas que tal vez no parezcan tan emocionantes ni interesantes, pero que son realmente necesarios.

Otra opción sería simplemente dejar a un lado el dispositivo tecnológico cada vez que mis hijos me hablen o necesiten que interactúe o intervenga en una situación.  Pero eso es lo que he estado tratando de hacer estos últimos meses y no me ha resultado de manera constante.  A veces sí que lo hago bien.  Otras veces estoy tan metida en lo que estoy haciendo en el Internet que tardo un rato en dejarlo totalmente y prestar atención.  Otras veces, me frustro con ellos por haberme interrumpido. Y otras veces, a pesar de dejar inmediatamente la tecnología y no estar frustrada con ellos, sigo pensando en lo que leí o vi en las redes sociales por un buen tiempo después, en lugar de prestarle toda mi atención a lo que mis hijos me están mostrando, contando o preguntando.

Así que, creo que es obvio que ninguna de esas dos opciones es muy buena, al menos en mi caso.  Pero como de verdad no quiero seguir con este sistema hipócrita que he estado usando, la única solución real que veo es limitar mi tiempo en las redes sociales y correos electrónicos para momentos en los que mis niños estén completamente ocupados en algo que no requiera mi intervención o atención o arbitraje, cuya situación más realista será cuando estén durmiendo.  Al mismo tiempo reconozco que puede haber ocasiones en las que realmente necesito responder a algo urgentemente en el Internet, pero en esos casos poco frecuentes supongo que simplemente podría avisarles a los niños que estaré en el computador contestando algo muy importante durante 15 minutos (o el tiempo necesario) y de esa forma tanto ellos como yo podremos ver que estoy poniendo un plazo de tiempo y que ésta es la excepción y no la regla.

Algo que no estoy diciendo con esto es que yo debería estar pasando cada momento que estén despiertos con ellos, involucrada de forma activa en lo que estén haciendo.  Creo que ellos necesitan su espacio y tiempo creativo para estar con sus hermanos o simplemente cada uno en su propia actividad, y también creo que es importante que ellos vean que yo también necesito mi espacio y tengo otras cosas que hacer.  Pero hay una diferencia entre no estar involucrada pero seguir siendo capaz de responder, donde pueden ver claramente la tarea que en ese momento tiene mi atención y el por qué es necesario (por ejemplo: “lo siento, no puedo ir ahora porque estoy limpiando, haciendo ejercicio, cocinando, etc., pero haré algo con ustedes en un rato cuando termine.”) y por el otro lado sólo estando parcialmente involucrada y ‘atenta’, no realmente prestando atención y sin que puedan ver el por qué estoy tan ocupada, sólo ven que este dispositivo electrónico a veces recibe más atención concentrada de mí de lo que reciben ellos.

Por lo tanto, ya tomé la decisión: se limita la conexión a las redes sociales a tiempos en los que no  tenga que estar supervisando a mis hijos, ¡con efecto inmediato!  Tal vez incluso lo llevaré al punto de aplicarlo no sólo cuando esté con mis hijos, sino también a los ratos que estoy con mi marido, o con otros miembros de la familia extendida o amigos...  Quizás yo sea la única que no revise su celular o computador durante esas interacciones, pero bueno, ¡alguien tiene que ser la rara que empieza las nuevas modas y además podría llegar a ser algo divertido!  ;)

Bueno, estoy pensando que con este cambio seguramente mi nivel de estrés se reducirá, mi capacidad de atención incrementará, lograré hacer más cosas en la casa, y aún en el caso de que ninguno de esos suceda, por lo menos estaré poniendo un mejor ejemplo para mis niños con el comportamiento que deberían tener ellos también.  Y seguro que igual encontraré ratos en otros momentos del día para conectarme y estar al tanto de las vidas de muchos en las redes sociales (jejeje).

Así que, ¿hay alguna otra mamá (o es más, cualquier otra persona, ¡sea o no sea madre!) que quiera unirse a este desafío de mantenerse fuera del mundo virtual cuando hayan personas a nuestro alrededor con las que deberíamos estar realmente y totalmente conectando en este momento?  Cuantos más se animen, ¡mejor!

pay attention, kids

Computers, cell phones, i-pads, tablets, etc.: Devices that allow us to communicate instantaneously with people anywhere on the globe while effectively ignoring, or not giving full, genuine attention to, those physically with us.

Notice I said “allow”.  I mean, it's not that technology forces us to be anti-social or impolite, but it is pretty easy to give in and cross that line.  What's crazy is that we'll complain about our children (or kids in general nowadays) not listening, not paying attention, perhaps having ADHD because they're constantly getting distracted, but it's not like we are setting a great example about the value of being present in the moment and giving our full attention to what is going on around us and giving a focused response to those with whom we are physically interacting.  Hypocritical.  Or maybe it's just me that sometimes sets a bad example of this for my kids.

I wrote about getting disconnected almost a year ago and then stayed offline for a month, which was great.  But that's over now and I have a good excuse for why I regularly fall into this apparently hypocritical position now: I can read or look at things online and still listen to what the kids are doing and saying to me. Well, at least most of the time... Unless I become really engrossed in what I'm reading.  But, really, even when I am doing a good job multitasking with technological stuff and kids, how will my children know that?  How can I explain to them that though Mommy will sometimes answer them while still looking at my computer, when I ask them to answer me about something they need to stop what they're doing (talking, watching a movie, playing) and give me their full attention, making eye contact so I know they are listening and understanding?  That's a significant double-standard.

One way to fix it would be to say that they don't need to stop what they are doing to look at me and respond.  I mean, I don't always, so why should they?  But, I guess that might lead to raising rude kids who don't show common courtesy to their peers in social interactions, let alone respect for authority figures.  And it probably wouldn't help their attention spans to increase either, and especially wouldn’t encourage them to pay attention to things that might not seem all that exciting but really are necessary.

Another option would be to simply be good about putting the technological device down whenever my kids talk to me or need me to interact/intervene.  But that’s what I’ve been trying to do over the past several months, and have been inconsistent about that.  Sometimes it works OK.  But some of the time I’m so into what I’m doing online that it takes me a while to really snap out of it.  Other times, I get frustrated with them for having interrupted me.  And other times, even though I did put the computer down right away and am not upset at them, I’m still thinking about what I read / saw online for a while afterwards instead of really paying attention to what my kids are showing me. 

So..., needless to say I don’t think either of those options are very good ones, at least in my case.  But, since I really don't want to continue with this hypocritical system I have going on currently, the only real solution I see is to limit my social networking and virtual correspondence to times when the kids are completely occupied in something that wouldn't require my intervention/attention/refereeing, the most realistic of which is sleeping.  I realize there may be times when I really do need to respond to something urgently online, but in those infrequent cases, I suppose I could just tell the kids that I will be on the computer answering something very important for 15 minutes (or however long) so that they and I can see that I am putting a time frame on it and that this is the exception and not the rule.

Something I am not advocating or saying here is that I should be spending every moment that they are awake actively involved in what they are doing.  I believe they need their space and creative time to be with their siblings or just doing something on their own, and also believe that it's important for them to see that I need my space and have other things to do as well.  But there's a difference between being uninvolved but still able to answer, where they can clearly see the task that is taking my attention and the reason behind it (i.e. “I can't come right now because I am cleaning, exercising, cooking, etc., but I’ll do something with you guys in a little bit when I’m finished.”) and only being partially involved, partially paying attention but not fully, and they can't see the "why" behind my busy-ness except that this electronic device routinely gets more concentrated attention than they do.

So, the decision is made: limiting of online social networking to non-child-supervision times, effective immediately!  Perhaps I'll even go so far as to apply it not only to being with my kids but also when spending time with my husband, or other extended family members and friends...  I may be the only one not looking at my phone or computer during those interactions, but hey, someone's got to be the weird one that starts new trends and it might even be fun!  ;)

I'm thinking my stress level will probably decrease, attention span will increase, more stuff will get done around the house, and even if none of those happen at the very least I'll be setting a better example for the kids in the behavior they should be exhibiting too.  And I’m sure I’ll still find moments at other points in the day when I can catch up on many people’s lives in the virtual social networking world (hehehe). 

So, do any other moms (or anyone for that matter!) want to join me in this challenge to stay off the virtual when there are others around us physically who we should be really, fully connecting with at the moment? The more the merrier! :)

ella es un ejemplo irremplazable

Antes de empezar cuarto medio (o 2º de bachiller) en los Estados Unidos, tuve que hacer varias pruebas para que me pusieran en clases que correspondieran con mi nivel de conocimiento.  Una de esas pruebas fue escribir una redacción y la pregunta para el tema fue el muy conocido: “¿Quién es tu héroe o ejemplo a imitar?”  Pensé en la pregunta durante un par de minutos ¡y llegué a la conclusión con mis 17 años que mi mayor ejemplo era mi madre!  No sólo de una forma como: “Yo la quiero mucho, es divertida y nos llevamos muy bien”.  Y tampoco como una niña de 5 años diciendo: “Como no conozco a mucha gente, creo que ella tiene que ser la mejor”, con admiración ciega e ingenua. 

Ya casi era adulta yo misma, y me impactó mucho en ese momento ver que realmente quería ser como ella más que como cualquier otra persona que conocía.  Y eso que yo conocía a mucha gente que admiraba de diferentes estilos de vida y de diversas culturas.  Pero al pensar a quién admiraba más y quería imitar...  la respuesta fue: ¡A mi Mamá!

Ahora, años más tarde, todavía la admiro mucho y sigue siendo uno de los ejemplos más significativos en mi vida.  No puedo enumerar todas las razones por las cuales admiro a mi madre, pero aquí tienen algunas puntuales:  

• Ella siempre ha deseado servir a Dios con su vida y crecer en Su amor y verdad cada día, manteniéndole a Él como el centro de todo.
• Decidió dejar sus estudios universitarios y renunciar una carrera en la música o como profesora (¡o cualquier otra carrera ‘profesional’ que podría haber decidido tener!), para quedarse en casa con nosotros sus hijos y ser ama de casa.
• Dejó claro siempre mientras crecíamos que mi padre era su prioridad #1 (después de Dios, claro) y su mejor amigo, lo que significaba que a veces a nosotros nos dejaban fuera de algunas cosas o se nos pedía que les diéramos su espacio como pareja (es verdad: no nos dejaban ir con ellos en su cita romántica semanal… ¿¿lo puedes creer??), pero la tranquilidad que me daba saber que Mamá y Papá estaban bien en su relación no tenía precio. (Y al haber visto su matrimonio funcionar tan bien, ahora yo imito su ejemplo y también me esfuerzo para proteger ese espacio sagrado y necesario con mi marido.)
• ¡Ella siempre ha sido una buenísima anfitriona! Siempre tuvimos a tantos invitados y huéspedes en nuestra casa, y mi mamá les cocinaba comidas muy ricas, les hacía buenas preguntas para empezar una conversación, los animaba a seguir la voluntad de Dios para sus vidas, les aconsejaba cuando era necesario, entretenía y jugaba con los niños, planificaba salidas y excursiones u otros eventos divertidos…
• …¡y tantas cosas más!

Hoy, ya siendo madre yo también, me doy cuenta en un nivel mucho más profundo de cuántos sacrificios hizo ella. Yo antes pensaba que era algo divertido y fácil por lo general eso de quedarse en casa con los hijos, y seguramente agradable no tener que ir a trabajar a otro lugar.  Obviamente, me daba cuenta de que hacer la limpieza de la casa y otras tareas domésticas tendría su lado molestoso para ella, pero bueno, igual era mejor que muchos otros trabajos, ¿no?  Y en cierto sentido, es verdad: muchas veces tiene su lado divertido estar en casa con tus hijos, y limpiar tu propio desorden (o el de tus hijos) y estar todo el día con tareas domésticas no son tan ‘malas’ como muchas otras cosas que la gente hace para ganarse la vida.

Pero también lo cierto es que es difícil ir en contra de la cultura y escuchar a gente preguntar si estás pensando en conseguir un trabajo “real” en algún momento; es difícil algunos días tener un “trabajo” tan poco reconocido y apreciado, disponible básicamente las 24 horas al día, que ni siquiera contribuye a las finanzas de la familia; es una lucha constante para ser paciente y amable con estas personitas que estás criando especialmente cuando sabes que ellos son capaces de portarse mejor de cómo están actuando en este momento; es un desafío saludar a tu marido con un beso, preguntarle acerca de su día y escuchar sus frustraciones en el trabajo, cuando al mismo tiempo estás tú abrumada porque nada salió como querías ese día, pero realmente quieres que tu casa sea un lugar de descanso para él y no de más desánimo, así que confías en que llegará la oportunidad de compartir acerca de tu día también, cuando sea un momento más adecuado…

Es una lucha algunos días para ver lo sobrenatural en lo rutinario, experimentar la presencia y el amor de Dios en las tareas diarias de cuidar de la casa y de los niños, sobre todo en los días difíciles.  Pero vale la pena.  Es mucho más difícil de lo que jamás había pensado y más hermoso de lo que jamás me hubiese podido imaginar.  Y yo veía en mi mamá todos los días esa lucha para enfrentar tanto las dificultades como las bendiciones.  No de una manera perfecta, como ninguno lo somos, pero sí de una manera genuina y humana, dejándose ser fortalecida y moldeada por el amor y la gracia de Dios, y tratando de reflejar esas cosas a su familia y a otras personas a su alrededor.

Podía haber sido una profesora, músico, consejera, artista, cocinera, enfermera, animadora, secretaria, coordinadora de eventos, chofer, decoradora de hogar,... pero en lugar de cualquiera de ésas, optó por ser todas ellas y mucho más.  Porque ella escogió ser ama de casa y madre. Y a pesar de que mis tres hermanos y yo ya hemos salido todos de la casa de nuestros padres para seguir a Dios en diferentes lugares del mundo y en diferentes etapas de la vida, ella sigue siendo todo eso, ¡porque una madre que honra a Dios es para siempre y su impacto es eterno!

 “Sus hijos se levantan y la felicitan (la llaman bienaventurada)… 

Engañoso es el encanto y pasajera la belleza;
   pero la mujer que teme al Señor es digna de alabanza.

¡Sean reconocidos sus logros,
   y públicamente alabadas sus obras! (Proverbios 31:28,30-31).

Feliz día de la madre, ¡Mamá!  ¡Dios te ha utilizado como ejemplo irremplazable e inspirador en mi vida y en las vidas de muchas otras personas!  ¡¡Te amo muchísimo y te admiro tanto!!

she is an irreplaceable example

Before starting my senior year of high school in Oregon, I was asked to write an essay to see which English class I should be placed in.  The topic / question I was given was the oh-so-familiar, Who is your hero / role model?  I thought about it for a few minutes and came to the realization as a 17-year-old that it was my mom!  Not just in an, “I love her so much and she’s fun and we get along” way.  And not in a 5-year-old, “I don’t really know anyone else so she must be the best” way either, with blind, naïve admiration. 

As I was getting closer and closer to being an adult myself, the deep realization hit that I really did want to be like her more than any other person I knew.  And I knew lots of people from many different walks of life and diverse cultures.  But when thinking of who I most admired, looked up to, wanted to emulate… the answer was: My Mama!

Now years later, I still admire her so, so much and she’s still one of the hugest examples in my life.  Here are just a few of the reasons why, since I couldn’t actually list all of the ways she has impacted me:

• She has always desired to serve God with her life and grow in His love and truth each day, keeping Him at the center of everything.
• She gave up finishing her college studies and having a career in music or teaching (or anything other ‘professional’ career she could have decided to have!) in order to stay home with us kids and be a homemaker.
• She made it clear all throughout my growing-up years that Daddy was her #1 priority (after God, of course) and her best friend, which meant that sometimes us kids would get left out of things or were asked to give them space as a couple (yes, they wouldn’t let us go with them on their weekly dates, can you believe that?!?), but the reassurance it gave me to know that Mom and Dad were doing well in their relationship was priceless. (And having seen their marriage work so well, I’ve been motivated to imitate her example and protect that sacred, necessary space with my husband as well.)
• She has always been such a great hostess!  Over the years we’d have sooo many guests stay with us, and my mom would serve them by cooking wonderful meals, asking questions to draw out conversation, encouraging them to pursue God’s will for their lives, counseling when needed, entertaining / playing with the kids, planning fun outings or other events...
• …and many, many more things!

Now, as a mom myself, I realize on a much deeper level how many sacrifices she made.  I used to think it was kind of fun and easy to stay home with your kids and nice to not need to go work somewhere else.  I mean, I surmised that cleaning the house and doing other housework all the time could be annoying, but hey, it beats some other jobs, right?  And in a sense, it’s true: it is fun a lot of the time to be with your kids, and cleaning up your own (or rather, their) messes and doing other housework all day aren’t as ‘bad’ as lots of other things that people do for a living. 

But it’s also hard to go against culture and to hear people ask if you’re planning on getting a “real” job sometime; it is difficult some days to have a thankless, not very recognized “job”, on-call basically 24/7, that doesn’t even contribute toward the family’s finances; it is a constant struggle to be patient and kind with these little people you are raising especially when you know that they know better than how they are acting at the moment; it is a challenge to greet your husband with a kiss, ask him about his day and listen to his frustrations at work when you’re overwhelmed because nothing went the way you wanted that day either, but you really want your home be a place of rest for him and not more discouragement, so you just trust that you’ll get a chance to share about your day too when the timing is better… 

It’s a struggle some days to see the supernatural in the mundane, to experience God’s presence and love in the daily routines of home-making and child-raising, especially on the hard days.  But it is worth it.  It is much harder than I ever dreamed and more beautiful than I’d ever imagined.  And every day I saw in my Mom that struggle to face both blessings and hardships head on.  Not in a perfect way, since none of us is, but in a genuine way, as someone who allows herself to be strengthened and molded by God’s love and grace, and trying to reflect those things to her family and others around her.

She could have been a teacher, a musician, a counselor, an entertainer, a cook, a nurse, a cheerleader, a secretary, an events coordinator, a chauffer, a home-decorator,… but instead she chose to be all of them and so much more.  Because she chose to be stay-at-home wife and mom.  And even though all four of us kids have flown the coop now to follow God’s leading in different places of the world and at different life stages, that’s still who she is, because a godly mom is forever and her impact, eternal! 

 “Her children arise and call her blessed… 

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
   and let her works bring her praise at the city gate” (Proverbs 31:28,30-31).

Happy Mother’s Day, Mama!  God has used you as an irreplaceable example and inspiration in my life and the lives of so many other people!  I love and admire you so much!!