I’m going to vent a bit here:
I’m really tired of hearing the defending of certain methods
(especially concerning parenting decisions, but could apply to basically
anything) that end with “…and I survived!” or “…and I’m a successful, happy
person!” Some of the time, those
‘defense’ statements are about methods and decisions that I share and agree
with and sometimes they aren’t. I’m not
going to get into what specific methods I do or don’t agree with in regards to
parenting right now. I do have strong
opinions and convictions, but those are not the point.
The point is that I really think this line of reasoning is
way too superficial and simplistic, yet I hear it and read it often:
- “I was spanked… /or on the other hand/ I was never spanked as a child… and I’m doing fine!”
- “I got my immunization shots… /or/ I was not vaccinated… and I survived.”
- “I never went to the dr. as a kid… /or/ I went to the dr. for everything… and now my health is great!”
- “I was homeschooled… /or/ went to public school… /or/ went to private school… and did great in college and am now thriving in my job!”
- Etc., etc., etc.
Your current reality as a happy, healthy, successful person isn’t
necessarily proof that the methods used and decisions made for or by you were
good ones. Honestly, there have been
people throughout the ages to live through slavery, torture, abuse, neglect,
and just plain weird parental or personal decisions… that have then gone on to
grow beyond that and be OK. Many have even
stated that they came out stronger because of what they lived
through. But that doesn’t mean that I
think concentration camps (as an obviously extreme example) would be a good
parenting choice as a way to build character in our kids, even if there are those
who lived through those awful situations and survived or even thrived later
on.
I had a crazy teacher in the 2nd & 3rd
grades that would walk around class while we were busy writing in our school
books, and he would hit us with chalk on the head. For no reason. Usually not even to correct misbehavior; he’d
just got a kick out of it (not that hitting a child with chalk would ever be an
acceptable discipline method for anyone to use anyway). And that was only one of the strange, creepy
things this teacher would do. He was my
home-room teacher for two years and I survived. I wasn’t permanently
scarred by those experiences, though there were a lot of conversations I had
with my parents, which obviously led to them talking directly with him and
making sure the creepiness stopped. But
guess what? Even though I survived
and am thriving now, I’m not going to be looking for that kind teacher for my
kids or personally implementing that type of thing in my homeschooling
methods.
I think we need to really differentiate between thriving
because of certain experiences, decisions, methods, etc., and thriving in
spite of them. For example, Joseph
said to his brothers, “what you intended for evil, God used for good”. He did not say, “Thank you for your
abuse and neglect and hatred of me!” What
he did do was acknowledge that God is better than the worst evil around
and that ultimately God can use everything for our good.
In the decisions we make, especially in regards to
our kids, let’s really consider whether our experiences (or our parents’ or
anyone else’s experiences that we’ve personally heard of) have been a help or a
hindrance in growth, learning, development, etc. And as already stated, I do not doubt that
those experiences that had originally hindered might have eventually led to
growth because of the process of overcoming the obstacle or hardship
(physically, emotionally, socially, etc.).
But I think the world has enough obstacles, mixed messages, injustice, and
confusion without us parents contributing to it by deciding to do something a
certain way with our children just because someone else lived through that and
is fine.
As parents, we really need to analyze the why behind
our decisions. Let’s think back to our
childhood and reconsider things a little more.
Let’s ask others who we admire behind-the-scenes questions and really
dig deep for answers, instead of just looking superficially. Let’s closely examine what the Bible has to
say (if anything specific) on that particular subject, always being careful to read
in light of the rest of scripture, rather than just isolated verses out of
context. Let’s check out current
research findings and studies to see what the scientific opinion is on the
subject, while keeping in mind that new research is constantly modifying
previous scientific views on many topics, and that even the experts start with
their own ideologies and theories (because let’s face it: no one can be 100%
objective no matter how great their intentions are!).
But mostly, let’s really pray a lot about each major
decision we make for our kids: asking God to remove any blinders that we may
have, to correct any biased opinion that we’ve formed based on bad experiences
or misunderstandings or misinformation, and to really give us wisdom, because
each child is absolutely unique and the world around us is changing daily. What worked 20 years ago with me may or may
not work now with my son and two daughters in their current environments, but I
don’t want to just go with the flow of whatever is the current popular
trend. My children are not science
experiments! Let’s be wise enough to not
accept just anyone’s personal experience or expertise as the answer but be
humble enough to allow our own opinions and convictions that were previously set
in stone to change if needed.
Maybe after all of that deep digging and analyzing and
searching and praying and considering, we’ll come to the same exact conclusions
we started with. But hopefully those
conclusions will be drawn because we really, truly believe and are convinced
that they are the best ways to help our kids develop and thrive, and not just
because we survived that way.
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